Fresh Starts Attached to A Vine

John 15

 “Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you, abide in me and I in you” (vs3)

Today is a new day, the slate has been wiped clean under His mercy and we get to start fresh. His grace has allowed us to leave behind the mistakes and burdens of yesterday, they have no place in today, this new day. We begin like this, clean, simply because of the word he has spoken to us. We did not have to do anything for this word; it was and is not conditional on our behaviour or actions.

 I didn’t have to make sure I worked out 4 times this week for this word, this word was not conditional on whether or not I read my Bible this morning or kept my house clean for a whole day. I did not have to be perfect, have my ducks in a row, stop swearing, and learn the secret of patience in a day. Yet today, despite the fact that I did not meet even half of the expectations that I had for myself yesterday, I still got to start clean, with His word spoken over me.  As I reflect on this magnificent truth I wonder why I have all these expectations for myself in the first place. I justify them, indeed they are not bad, and in fact mostly they are good. Being healthy, being a good wife, a devout Christian, I’m sure that Christ delights in these things when I do them from a place of joy. Yet even striving to do all these “good things” I find myself daily in a place of guilt, or disappointment or frustration spurring from my inability to meet my own standard. I am not motivated enough, I have not done enough, I am not enough. Several times each day I come face to face with this. I am not enough. And this is true. I will never be good enough to earn this word that has been spoken to and over me. I will never be able to read and study enough of my Bible to be counted righteous on my own. I will always fail to be perfect. After facing this very unnerving reality I once again relinquish my pride, realize the majesty of grace and stand in awe that not by my own doing, but by His, I am made righteous in God’s sight. Suddenly I am enough, I am redeemed, and I am made right. Christ in me, the Holy Spirit living and active has made me right and whole. I stay in the beauty of this revelation, I am filled with joy and amazement and delight.

I’m growing snap pea’s, one of the stocks snapped a few days ago and the peas that were at the top of that vine have died. They were no longer connected. It is so obvious to us that this should happen, they are no longer being sustained by anything, how could they possibly live? I pause for just a second to realize the absurdity of it all, why are we surprised when we step away from our Father and our lives turn into a wasteland? If my snap pea cannot survive apart from its life giver how do we expect to? Why do we want to? Why do we choose destruction over good? It is so simple. “Abide in me” (vs9) “so your joy will be full” (vs 11)! Full of joy! Think about the happiest moment you can remember. This is joy. Why would we not choose to be that happy everyday? Especially when this gift is free, this word he spoke is so simple to receive--abide in him. Allow the creator to give joy. Stand in love. It’s amazing what happens when you choose to love the people around you. Abide in the vine and let the inevitable joy and love that will flow from that place change the way you encounter the world.

Created For The Side

I dont live on the mountain top. I wish I did, but I don't.

 I dont know if I told you about this picture I got about 6 months ago but I am going to tell you about it now; I am about a cm tall in my picture. I am standing on a giant stair case. Its so big that in my picture I can only see about 3 of the steps. I have just climbed a step. I can see the little pegs on the step I just climbed that had to be put there in order for me to climb them like a ladder and make it to the top of the step. My little self is jumping, just so stoked that I made it to the top, I'm cheering and whooping and pumped about life. In my little eyes I have climbed a mountain in life and I am living on top of this step with God. Everything is amazing because Im on the top of the step. But then something changes... I feel a tug and I have to turn around and when I do I see another massive step in front of me. It seems just as big or even bigger than the last one. And my cheering stops replaced with determination. I know God is asking me to go back into battle and fight and work to get to the top of that next step, putting in tiny pegs as I go to help me reach the top again. Part of me is disappointed because I feel like I've just made it to the top, and I wanna stay there , I don't wanna leave my happy, comfortable place. But that isn't an option for me, I can't live on the mountain. I have to live in a place where I have to work to put in those pegs, and put in so much effort to cling to the safety of the side of that step.

That was my picture 6 months ago. That was what I began six months ago and now Im putting in those pegs painstakingly slow, with an immense amount of effort. I am clinging to the edge of the step and I am missing the top. I am missing the easy, comfortable way that I got to experience living on the top of the step. But I this morning I read this and God showed me something that you need to know too. He didn't create us for the top of the step, he created us for the side. Not for the mountain but for the valley.

I read Psalm 77 this morning;

 "When the waters saw you, O God,
    when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
    indeed, the deep trembled.
¹⁷ The clouds poured out water;
    the skies gave forth thunder;
    your arrows flashed on every side.
¹⁸ The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
    your lightnings lighted up the world;
    the earth trembled and shook.
¹⁹ Your way was through the sea,
    your path through the great waters;
    yet your footprints were unseen.
²⁰ You led your people like a flock
    by the hand of Moses and Aaron."

God's way leads through the sea. Just like when the Israelites crossed the red sea. We have lightening and we have thunder crashing all around us and our worlds might be shaking and the water is trembling and there is a path ahead that looks scary. There is water being held at bay on both sides and were crazy if we take this path, because it means trusting that whatever force holds those waters back wont let them crash down on you when you are in the heart of that river valley. It means trusting that that thunder and that lightening wont touch you. That path is not an easy one. But its where we live life. Its where God builds us. If we cannot live in the river valley then we cannot live on the shore. If I cannot live on the side of that step then I cannot live on the top. The fighting and the miserable is where I test my faith, its where I fall back to what I know and have practiced. In battle you revert to your training. And I cant wait for the battle to be over but in the mean time I have to trust Gods unseen footprints through the heart of the scary, and the difficult, and the frustrating.

Im convinced after years of mountains and valley's, and tops of the step and sides of the step, that where God created us to live is on the side. The high places are meant for inspiration and everything else is meant to make us into something, and not just anything , but to turn our character into everything He is. So Im living on the side, and Im looking forward to the top, but until then Im trusting that in the thunder , lightening, and waters on every side , that God is leading me just like He led Moses and Aaron. 

A Little Piece Of My Heart

Well, its just like I predicted.... Thailand has stolen a little piece of my heart.

To be honest this experience has come close to one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my life. Living at the Changed Life Centre has been lonely sometimes. Its tough not knowing the language and not being able to communicate with the people around you. Its hard to live with 7 other people, and not just live with them but they are also the only people around you for 3 entire months who you can communicate with without a great deal of effort. Thailand has been really hard. However, Thailand has changed me. I remember writing in my first blog that this trip would bring me "a passionate new purpose." and in a lot of ways that didnt come as I had originally expected. It came through challenges rather than blessings, but thats just another thing I have learned. That God will use whichever paths he chooses to grow you and stretch you, and even if its difficult the most important thing is that it is not wasted. That you allow God to work through the things that you least expect.

This week I am saying goodbye to Thailand. Im saying goodbye to people and places that I didnt even expect I would need to say goodbye to. Today we went to a place that we have gone to at almost twice a week since coming to Thailand for the final time, Pae's Coffee Shop. The young lady who owns and runs it is Pae. She is so so sweet, however she doesnt speak english. We communicate with this lady as much as we can but it has been limited. However even with this limited communication I feel like we have developed a sort of relationship, even friendship. Today when I was saying goodbye to her I suddenly became a shade of desperate. I needed to share the gospel with this lady who is so lost in false beliefs and I didnt cause I didnt know how. I didnt have the tool of speech to share the good news with my friend and that broke my heart a little, it also brought me some awareness. How many coffee shops in Abbotsford do I drop by at least once a week? and those owners and workers speak english. Am I sharing the gospel with them? Cause even though their false beliefs are different than Pae's false beliefs, they are still false and they still need to hear about Jesus. Today, once again, God gave me a fresh purpose to move forward with: Be a missionary in Abbotsford.

To get to Chaing Khong we go down this windy beautiful road the runs along the Mekong. My favourite time in Thailand is right before the sun sets and my favourite mode of transportation is being on the back of the Song Theow. Tonight was the perfect blend of all three things and I realized that despite how challenging it has been for me up here. I love it. I have fallen in love with the people and the scenery and even the weather. I love the food and the flowers and the Mekong and I will miss this place dearly. Thailand has taken a small piece of my heart, and I am ok with it, because I will always remember this place, and who knows, maybe one day God will even bring me back here, but whether he does or does not I will remember the lessons I learned here and the people I met and I will pray for this place that has a little piece of my heart.

Thank you for your prayers, they have been felt. Only 4 more days till I board a plane for home! I will see you all soon!

This is Pae in her shop! 

The ride home tonight, one of the last ones! 

Our Mekong! 

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

Hello All!

So I just wanted to give you guys more details about what we've actually been doing out here so Im just going to post some pictures with some stories! Enjoy

Lol. This was taken before the lice spread, when only one person had it. Now half the girls do. We have to joke about it or else we loose our marbles :) rockin the oil in the hair and plastic bags. 

The whole Group at Nan! 

This last week our team went to a village called Nan which is 4 hours away. We stayed there for 2 nights. After we ran kids clubs for the day we all went swimming in a stream near by! It was so fun! At one point the boys started having chicken fights and Wan swam over to me and motioned for her and I to try. We went into combat with two other teams of boys and we won!! This picture caught us just as we beat our final opponent! 

This is Wan and Cream! They are interns here at the centre. That means they are doing some pre bible studies before they head off to Bible College in June. I am so proud of them, and they have become such good friends to us. Cream and Wan have been out primary Thai teachers and I love spending time with them. I will miss these two more than I can even say. 

These three pictures were taken at the preschool that us girls go to twice a week. The second picture is what all the walls looked like before we painted. This last one is the exact same spot on the wall as the second one was taken but after we painted. The place looked pretty cool after we left! We were pretty pumped about it.

These girls from the preschool have my heart. Nim and Pream. Nim comes from a abusive home and I am not sure about Preams situation but Chris (our missionary) often talks about the culture and how often once a child is old enough to care for themselves they are left very much to their own. It breaks my heart so as much as I can I spend time loving on these kids each week. Arent they beautiful? 

This was a Khmu Wedding we went to! It was so funny because they dressed us up in traditional clothing and brought us to this wedding but we were literally the only people in Khmu garb! Anyways we ended up taking pictures in front of the ceremony with this couple. It was super random. It was pretty cool to go to a wedding in another culture though! Another funny thing was that they had rented a sound booth thing for the ceremony but then the DJ would just randomly play random noises or parts of songs in and out of order. I think it was more for looks than actual use, at one point during a round of prayers the DJ played the disney opening film sound.

This is Cain. I have a soft spot in my heart for Cain. Him, his older sister Cream, and his mom Moe, live here at the Centre. Cain understands a lot of english but speaks relatively little yet he is one of my favourite people to hang around with. He is always joking around and he is so fun to be with. I love watching God work in Cain, as he is a new Christian its cool to see how God is transforming him. Cain is going to be a strong leader and man of God someday and I will miss this kid immensely. Also if you noted the baby powder its quite a norm around here. Thai and Khmu people use baby powder on their bodies to cool off and absorb the sweat. Cain helped us out a little by dousing us in powder :) 

This is my church. Huay Gok. I go to this church every Sunday. It is about 30ft x 10ft and made entirely out of bamboo. The floor, walls, and frame is made of split bamboo, the roof is made of woven grass. Each week the people get to this hut and roll out the floor matts (which you can see) and we sit in a circle and do church. This picture was taken during our monthly potlucks. Once a month everyone in the church brings a dish and we all sit in a circle and eat Khmu style, which is taking sticky rice, rolling it into a ball with your hands, and using it as a spoon, and we enjoy community. My roll at this church is to prepare a craft each Sunday for the 4-6 kids who come regularly. Unfortunately we dont have a translator to teach the sunday school so we just do a craft for sunday school with no lesson. We do however have a translator, Pung Gaoew, for the actual service so each week another role I have is to share in the church gathering about what I have been learning that week. 

This is Gamone (one of our Khmu interns here at the centre) and I doing some work around the Centre.  Some of the guys cut down these banana trees and threw them on the truck. A few of us went down to the river and tossed them in the Mekong to get rid of them. 

This picture was taken at the sports camp that we ran a few weeks back. For the final event of the day we handed out these white shirts that the MEI team brought with them to each of the kids. We then split them into teams and played sticks but instead of tagging, each team had a big bucket full of coloured water and sponges that they could throw at opponents. This was the after math. This was such a fun day for us. 

SONG KRAN! This is Thai New Year! the Song Kran celebration lasts anywhere from 6-10 days in Thailand and is played to greater degrees up North where we are. It originally began as a Bhudist tradition, the younger person would pour water on the older persons hands as a form of blessing. Now, years later, it has turned into a nation wide water fight. You cant go out during Song Kran without getting wet. Business's close down, people put their important things in plastic bags, and everyone jumps on the back of someones truck with a giant bucket of water and some water tools to douse whoever comes past.

The Very Most

I am learning to pray.

I mean, I’ve always “known” how to pray, but I’m learning that praying is everything. I am learning how absolutely essential it is. I’m also learning that most times, all I really can do is pray. I have always told people, the CIT’s I worked with this summer, the kids I have counseled at summer camp over the years, and more recently, my team, that “prayer is the very most you can do.” Meaning that sometimes when all we can do is pray, and it feels like we are doing nothing of value, nothing that holds real weight or merit, we are actually doing the most. We are giving our best when we pray. I have always said this and I have always believed this, but since coming to Thailand God sure is stretching me in this.

Each week us Trekkers follow a fairly regular schedule. Two times a week us girls help at a preschool in Huay Yen. (actually we just painted the entire preschool this morning! It looks so good!.) These kids have become so precious to me. Many of them are often sick and Chris, our missionary, says that a few of them are HIV positive. About 80% of these kids hold the trade mark of an Animistic culture; strings around their wrists, that are so worn and old that they are literally thread bare, fraying off their little wrists, but they are not to be taken off. When they are put on, just moments after birth, the parents pray for a spirit to come protect their child, and believe that as long as these children are wearing the strings on their wrists, the spirits will favor them. Its these moments, when I am sitting in the preschool, holding these children and giving them some much needed physical affection, that I feel entirely and completely overwhelmed. I don’t speak their language so my only means of communicating to these kids that they are loved is to hold them and play with them. And to pray. As I hold these small and beautiful children I pray. I pray that God communicates to them how incredibly valuable they are. How loved they are by the Redeemer and Creator. I pray that these kids will rise up and be a generation who seeks God whole heartedly and abandons their animistic culture and background, being the first in thousands of years to break the chains of bondage and step out in faith, trusting in the living Savior. It’s in these moments that I realize I have the power to intercede. To stand in the gap, like Abraham did to save Lot, and to beg God to turn his face with favor on these kids and their people group. I can do that. God has given me that privilege and opportunity and has reminded me that sometimes, when I feel like holding a child for an hour twice a week just isn’t enough to fix the big problem, I am doing the very most that he has empowered me to do. Pray.

Once a week us ladies go to another village, Huay Ja. On these Wednesday nights our girls first walk through the village and pray with whoever needs it. Sometimes there are reasons to share another’s burdens; sometimes we partake in peoples joy with rejoicing. Last week we got there and a guy was having a birthday party J complete with Kanomes (sweet snack) and Soda. We sat in his bamboo hut with his young wife and young child and prayed with them and sang with them. Each week after we walk through the village and pray with people, we meet in the church that has been planted there and Yom, one of the ladies who works at the Centre, speaks in her native tongue to the people. Though we cannot understand Khmu, and neither can Chris to translate, there is something I enjoy about listening to Yom speak. Isn’t this why we are here? To transform communities who will continue to transform and nurture within themselves. To see the people who now know Jesus encourage their fellow people in their faith. Sometimes as I sit there, surrounded by women who have lived lives of hardship, who have had no one to advocate for them and have carried some burdens that I could not imagine having to carry, I again feel completely overwhelmed. “What good is this God?” is my question. These women need medical attention, they need work, they need food, and sometimes their basic needs aren’t even being met. What good is a church meeting going to be, I question.  And again, its in these moments that God reminds me that “the very most I can do, is pray.” That is what you can do Becca comes a steady, sure voice in my head. And so I pray. I ask God to be present to each women, in each day, and each circumstance, and you know what? They have joy. These women come together and we shed tears and we pray and we sing and we love… and then we have joy. We get to share in the supernatural joy that only comes from the one true Joy Giver and we leave with thankful and full hearts and again I realize that there is great power in prayer. That not one of my prayers goes unheard.

Every Friday night our team runs a “kids club” in another village, Wang-paa. This village doesn’t yet have a church and are quite animistic. On these nights we do a bible study, a craft, and have a kanome. I love Friday nights, its one of my favorite. Last Friday there was a young boy sitting a few kids ahead of me whose wrists were laden with threads ands strings. There were probably 8 on each wrist and then he also had a pendant around his neck, again, a way to invite the spirits. I was overcome for this kid. I cant even explain why entirely…. but I just sat there and choked back tears because this small boy seemed like he didn’t have a chance. I was so angry. At the culture, at the traditions, and at Satan, who has sunk his teeth into so many families in this part of the world, who has been given reign in so many of these kids’ life. But it was here ,within my deep hurt and anger that again I heard Gods steady prompting. Pray. So I prayed. For an hour and 15 minutes I sat in the back of the room and prayed for this little boy, for his parents, for his siblings, for his home, for everything. I cant honestly tell you anything epic happened, I didn’t see this boy the next day transformed, I didn’t see the strings fall from his wrist, but I trusted. In that moment I chose to trust that God knows what he is doing and my incredibly finite mind could never understand my infinite God. That God heard my prayers and somehow, some way, and sometime, he will answer them, and when he does, it will be perfect. Because God knows far better than I what timing is correct, what moment is best, and what each person needs.

At least once a day I remember how I got here. How God connected all the dots together for me to be in this country. I sometimes cannot believe the miracle that brought me here (see my earlier blog for details ;) ) Gods faithfulness is steady and sure. It can be counted on and I trust it entirely. I remember praying and trusting which leads me to look back and pray in thanksgiving. Sometimes, actually, most times it is actually pretty hard here. Some sights are hard to see, some times living with the team is hard, and sometimes certain jobs are hard. I love when these moments of difficulty collide with my thoughts on the miracle that brought me here because as I pray in thanksgiving for what God has done for me, I am filled with Joy! My gratitude is turned to praise, and in praising I am filled with a supernatural measure of Joy. Prayer is such a powerful tool and I am learning that each day. Sometimes I recognize the power of prayer in rejoicing because our team has experienced and seen God come through and answer in the very way we asked him to. Sometimes I recognize the power of prayer in silence, with tears, not understanding or comprehending what God is working and how, but still trusting that he is working. Sometimes it’s a walk by sight, and sometimes it’s a walk by faith. Always it’s a walk of trust. Trying to step in the footprints of my mighty God, lest I try to go out on my own and fail miserably.

I challenge you, whomever you might be, to pray. Remember that when the unimaginable is happening, whether in circumstances of great joy or deep sorrow, that “prayer is the very most you can do.” I would invite your prayer into each of these pictures I painted you today in this blog. Pray for the Khmu people here, who desperately need Jesus. Pray for the preschool in Huay Yen and for all of those precious children. Pray for the churches that have already been established in some of our villages. Pray for our team, that we would continue to be united under the banner of Jesus. Pray for the Changed Life Centre, that they would continue to be equipped with everything they need to work at change here in Khmu land.

The Two little girls who have had my heart since day one at the preschool. The one in plaid, Nim, The one in yellow is Pream. Precious kids (Note the strings on Pream)

One of the little girls at our Friday Night Kids club in Wang Paa (again, note the threads)

Praying with a woman and her sick child on Wednesday night during our Huay Ja ministry

This Passionate Purpose

With every bump that I hit on these rocky roads in the North, on the back of this song thaew I am driving in, I become more and more aware of the little bits of myself that are changing. Like I do more often, I ponder how much has changed for me in the last 3 years, I can hardly recognize the girl I was when I left my small town in September 2010. I thought I was headed off to an adventure back then… little did I know where God would take me! I could never have imagined being on this journey, in this place. So here I am, bouncing around on the back of this truck, going 80km and hour around the bends of the Mekong; I’m breathing in what has already become one of my favorite smells, the smell of the sun setting and Thailand quieting, everything is dusky and colored pink in light of  the descending sun. I have one leg tossed carelessly off the back of the pickup tailgate, Im leaning back into the bench in which I always reside in when we travel. The warm wind is blowing by me and I am looking across the river at Laos… I wonder, will I ever be able to go back to living like a typical North American? What does that even mean for me anymore? I am becoming more and more aware of what a minority we are in America. I have always thought myself much separate from “the rest of North America.” No , I thought to myself , I am not like so many egotistical, haughty North Americans who live in ignorant bliss… but the truth is, I am entirely North American. My entire life has been lived in ignorance of the suffering and pain of not only the people around me but also the people who are exactly like me who live across the world, the only difference being that we were born in different countries…

We arrived in Bangkok and we were picked up by Ricky Sanchez, a long term missionary working with MB mission who lives in Chonburi Thailand. His job with us was to “orientate us” to Thailand, to teach us about the culture, the do’s and don’t’s, and the religious back ground. It was such a whirlwind, from getting off the plane, to having no idea where to go or even who would be picking us up. We didn’t know where to meet Ricky, there was honestly not one person we could find that spoke a bit of English. We didn’t know what we would be doing that week or what we would be seeing, we didn’t know what a Bhat was (their currency) and we hadn’t yet learned to do quick conversions to figure out what cost what.  I remember that first step I took out of the airport and onto Thailand soil, it is so vivid for me because I literally felt like I stepped into a wall of humid, sticky, heat. There is no way to describe it; it is almost like moist air is being blown at you from the ground and from all sides. The week sped by, we did lots of things; We worked at the Abundant Life Home one day, it is an orphanage for kids who are HIV positive. We spent the day planting coconut trees. Won’t say much about that except I never want to dig another hole in Thailand soil again. It’s a mixture of rock hard clay, and dust. It was at the orphanage that I got to meet Bing-Bing, the little girl who first broke my heart for Thailand back when Ricky Sanchez visited CBC in September. Ricky told our class her story, and it was while listening to her story, with silent tears and a broken heart that I first felt God laid Thailand on my heart in a blanket of compassion and passion heavy and strong. Meeting her was unreal! Like God was confirming where he had called me. It was like God was also showing me the hope before he showed me the hurt… that came in the following days as Ricky orientated us to the brokenness of Thailand. He spoke about the bondage the Thai people live under. Both to Nirvana (Buddhism) and also to generations and generations of sexual brokenness. “To be Thai is to be Buddhist” , we hear this so often our here. Buddhism is a lifetime of pouring yourself out, of striving to rid yourself of self. It’s a lifetime of striving to pay a debt that you were born with yet never knowing if your workings have been enough, never knowing if your Kharma will be better to you in the next life. Thai people don’t even kills flies because they believe that all animals and bugs are their ancestors who never paid their full debt, thus came back as lesser beings. They live their entire lives like this. Striving for something yet never knowing if they have come to it, never knowing if there is hope. It breaks my heart. We went to this massive temple; I think it was the biggest one in all of Thailand. Hundreds and hundreds of people were there, they were bowing down to a statue that was about 16 inches tall; emerald Buddha. They have given their lives to this statue that cannot save them… a statue that cannot even talk to them or hear them. My mind can hardly grasp it and my heart can hardly take it.

…Later that night we walked about 5 blocks down from where we were staying to the biggest red light district in the world. I can hardly type this because I cannot physically see through the tears that are blinding my sight…Most of me wishes I could go back to being ignorant, I had not understood the saying “ignorance is bliss” until that second and that moment. We turned the corner on this street and I took about 3 steps before I hit a wall. There was nothing there but I literally felt like I hit a physical wall. The person walking behind me had to physically push me to take my next step because I could not actually lift my foot and move it forward. I felt like I was stepping into Satan’s kingdom… I guess I sort of was. The red light district in Bangkok is 2 and a half blocks long, it took us less that 3 minutes to walk through. It has a thriving market in the dead centre of it, and this one little part of the city houses over 10,000 prostitutes. In two blocks. 10,000. I don’t have words, and I don’t understand. I just pray, a lot. The people of Thailand have been SO blinded by Satan and his schemes. He has broken them, and tied them into such a sick and heavy bondage that they don’t remember what it is like to live in freedom, they never even knew what freedom was to begin with…There is hope though, God is showing us that he is still working. We hear stories and we are meeting woman and people who have been rescued from that very street. Bing Bing and others like her are meeting Jesus and are finding freedom. God is saving souls, one person at a time he is using people to break Satan’s chains from these people. We have been praying for God to show us his purpose in all this pain and suffering. I feel like God showed us this so we could be aware of the battle we are in. We are now up North working at the Changed Life Centre. God reminded me of what I would be doing in the next three months. He reminded me that I have a part to play in the battle, that here, in Khmu villages; we are fighting for souls, one person at a time. It’s even in the name of the Centre, “the Changed life Centre”. When it feels hopeless, like I don’t understand why that kind of pain exists, or when I just want to be angry at God for not knowing why he allows things like that to happen, or when I just plain cant understand why God does what he does, God reminds me that he brought me hear to focus in rather than to try to understand the big picture. To, one person at a time, bring comfort and hope and freedom. Since coming here to the North we have been working in local preschools, loving on the kids there. We have been visiting widows and loving on the local Khmu teenagers. I am trying to pour all that I am out for these women. They are the same as me. They have the same desires and hopes and dreams except that I was born in a country where I might be able to achieve some of these… most of them will never know that privilege. When I look into the big, brown, hopeful eyes of any of these beautiful Khmu and Thai children or when I gaze into the withered, sunken eyes, that hold an entire life of hardship and experience of these old women who have lived so much, I am keenly aware of my privilege. And sometimes…for brief moments, I hate it, because the only difference between them and I is our birthplaces, and I didn’t do a thing to earn or deserve what God has so richly blessed me with. God is giving me a heart for this place. It’s hard to have a heart for Thailand. I used to pray that God would break my heart for what breaks his…Now I beg that I would never experience the searing pain that he must feel for his children every day. I pray now instead each day for a measure of compassion and ability to see what needs to be seen and to hurt for what needs to be hurt for. Which brings me back to my very first point… Where do I go from here? I don’t know how I will move back into the culture of North America, all I know is this; That God has shown me some of his heart and I will not leave this place unchanged. There are pictures both beautiful and painful that have forever been branded on my mind and heart and God will not let me return to where I once was. I go forward changed. I move forward with new purpose and a sometimes, furious passion. My God is mighty to save and he has placed in me a new objective. We will see where he takes it, Ill do what he needs me to and Ill go where he calls me to. Whether that’s back to where I came from or forward to a new place, where God leads, I will follow because he has given me a passionate purpose. 

My Very Own Miracle!

Well folks it has been far to long, the amount that God has been teaching me is unreal and there is no conceivable way to write it all for you! Ima tell you about just a few of the things!

Im learning so much about myself. Im coming to an awareness of things that, with refinement, could be really good, but I am also being shown some things that I don’t necessarily like. God is still teaching me a lot about pride, He is teaching me to be patient and he is teaching me to leave my presumptions at the door and love people without conditions. It’s difficult, it has actually been kind of tough to learn some of these unpleasantries about myself, that’s where my lovely pride comes into play… it sure doesn’t like being corrected. I’m finding myself in a constant struggle with my human nature, I can relate to Paul in Romans 7 when he is talking about being a slave to his sinful nature. Vs 15 “for I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but the very thing I hate.” Paul is taking about the law, and how it was once life but then/now it has become death. I am in that same struggle. I love my lord , thus I want my life to reflect that in every single area. I want to live a life above rebuke or reproach so I want to follow every rule. I want to live by the law. The problem with living by the law though, is that it can quickly turn your faith into something legalistic, what I want is a genuine faith, I’m not looking for a legalistic faith. Oh but God is so faithful in showing me how to do this, there has not been a moment where I have doubted his gentle guidance. I am truly and entirely overwhelmed. My God is so sufficient and so powerful and even when I am wavering or idolatrous he holds me. He carries me to the banquet table of his grace, mercy, power, and provision and he sets before me a feast! I’d like to share with you an excerpt from my journal last week, this is what I wrote word for word.

“God, this sucks. I am so worried. What if the money doesn’t come in? Lord I am weak and I don’t know how to trust you in this”

            “And when the oceans rage Becca, those waves WILL NOT touch you. My love never fails. Becca, my love.will.not.fail.you”

“but love doesn’t produce finances, it cant buy a plane ticket”

            “my love never fails”

“Is this a promise? Jesus, I don’t know what to do with this!”

           

            “ I make all things work together for good. Through ALL the ages my love has not failed people, it has been constant, why do you expect it to be any different for you? Child, my love is constant and it will not fail you. I promise.”

“Lord have your way”

You may recognize these as song lyrics, which they are, but God spoke them loud and clear to me last Wednesday, 4 days before our departure. That last little line of submission was half hearted. I felt so strongly that God was promising me that he would provide for me, that his love would in fact produce the rest of the finances for TREK (3500.00) but I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t wipe the remnants of doubt from my fickle heart. Since the beginning I have believed that God would provide for my financial needs. I knew he would, yet I still doubted. Especially this last week, with just a few days to go and a large sum of money still needed I really began to doubt. I went into the next day carrying some of this doubt, the day that us as a team were being commissioned. Thursday evening we arrived at the chapel excited to be charged and ecstatic to move into the next phase of our TREK journey; assignment. I cannot explain the overwhelming feeling of love and care that I experienced as I greeted so many of my close friends, family, and supporters!  I was so overjoyed that they were there, supporting me and standing behind me. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. As some of them came in Erin handed me a bag, the bag was full of money. I don’t even know who I just know that a group of my incredible friends had come together and given what they could. Erin explained to me as she handed it to me that though it wouldn’t be enough to cover the rest of the funds, God was going to multiply it like he did the bread and the fish on that hill so long ago. She told me how the group had prayed over the money before they brought it and that God had given a revelation of this. Wow. Sufficient much? God is unreal… I cannot fathom it. I went into the rest of the commissioning service feeling at peace, feeling excited, resting in Gods might and joy. I mingled with a lot of people after the service… when I looked down and checked my phone some hours later; I was informed that an anonymous donor had covered the rest of my trip. Can I get an amen? ;) people, GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!! He is such a provider; It was like he was just shaking his head at me in this patient sort of way… “oh yea of little faith Becca, have I not always been your sustainer , have I not always given you your manna and quail? So it shall be for today again. Take and enjoy what I have given you” My very own miracle. I serve a mighty God, I am all too aware of that as I sit on an airplane, this very second bound for Bangkok, Thailand. WOW. I am entirely overcome with gratitude to my heavenly Father and all the people that followed the gentle nudges in their hearts to support me! There is 8750.00 dollars in an account in my name because enough people supported me enough and believed that God was working in my life enough to support me this way! THAT’S CRAZY! I am humbled and speechless. Thank you friends, thank you family. I could not express the depth of my gratitude if I tried. So instead I just keep freaking out, because this is happening!! God brought me here! He isn’t going to abandon me and he is going to keep teaching me things! I get to keep growing in relationship with him!!!! Do you guys understand what a gift this is? I know I have taken it for granted much more than I would ever dare to even admit but God is working, he is working in me and he is working in you! My dear friend Amanda wrote me a card a few weeks ago, she reminded me in the card of how crazy it was/is that I am on this adventure with God. She reminded me that life is happening. My life has begun, I know it has been happening for a while now but sometimes it just hits me harder and I realize just how big of a deal it is. I AM ON AN ADVENTURE WITH GOD!!! My life is an adventure with God, and it is and is going to be continually filled with abundance! It will be more than I could ever have asked or imagined (Ephesians 4) and even when the oceans rage and the storms come and my world shakes, I will always be sure. I will always have my foundation, I will always have my Lord.