January 21, 2012

Hey everyone,

Its been a while. I am finally settling into a pattern out here since being back from christmas. Compared to last semester my schedule is pretty much completely empty... normal people could organize this no problem but because I am used to booking 8 million things into my week every week I honestly am having trouble settling into a schedule. Hopefully this week will be better. I am taking Bio30 and Math correspondence so that means I need to slot it into my schedule and I need to get better at that. Its hard to be motivated for a class when you never actually have to go to class.

Other than that things have been good. I have been in, I guess you could call, a "contemplative state." Since coming back  I have just being thinking a lot! I am not saying that to be a ditzy blonde I have just been contemplating absolutely everything. I have been at CBC for 3 semesters now, it has radically and drastically changed my life, and now its coming to an end.  I don't feel ready for this too end, and quite honestly I am happy here and I don't want it too. but it is. I guess I have just been thinking about everything I have learned here, both in classes and out. I have learned wisdom and theology, and grace and faithfulness more than I have ever learnt it before. I have been overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and love and friendship like I have NEVER experienced it before. I have failed miserably and had heart ache, and doubted and abandoned hope. I have experienced more than I can even put into words at CBC and with the people here and the thought of all this ending breaks my heart. I guess I just think about how much I have experienced here and I think I took it for granted. I didn't make every second count all the time, I invested in one person for a whole year when I could have been investing in a ton of people and the school and building strong relationships! I guess I just feel like I wasted last year in a way. This first fall semester was amazing! I developed such strong relationships with some people that had been only acquaintances before and it has been fabulous!! I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am just not ready to say goodbye. All this investing in people, all this fun and laughter.... and now I feel like I will leave and just have a bunch of really good memories. There are some people here who I know I will keep in contact with and stay close with and thank goodness... I know I have made friends for life here. But it changes. we will never have the relationships we have now back again. It will never again be like it is now. Im not saying thats bad, its just different and its change and sometimes... most times (lets be honest) change scares me.

Along with all these things I have been contemplating I have also been literally overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and blessedness (if thats even a word) I know that people always joke about how I always say "I am just so blessed" but I am!! I cant believe I came here, I cant believe I made it to Columbia and learned and made all these friends who like me just the way I am! I cant believe that I accomplished almost 2 years of post secondary! I am so, so , so blessed. What an opportunity I have had and am still in. I just want to make every second count in the next 3 months! I love this place and I am so thankful that God allowed me to come and prepared the way for me. What an amazing God that He would look out for me!

Even more from the mind of Becca :) I have just been so excited about whats next! Somedays I feel sick from this roller coaster I am on! One minute I am so heart broken that I am leaving in 3 months and the next I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, and the next I am giddy with excitement about starting Nursing and being around my family and friends in Lethy again (even tho usually that thought is accompanied by a little greif at leaving... its unavoidable) , and even about what I will do this summer. I can do anything! I can work at a camp , I can travel, I can stay in Abby. I guess I just have lots of options for the summer and thats exciting! All these things... I just sometimes dont even know where to start processing it all. I guess my biggest thing is just realizing it is what it is. There is no use getting sad about leaving here and there is no use dreading Lethy when thats where I will be. I am going there so I might as well get right pumped up about it.

I am finally finding myself at a place of contentment. This is something new for me. I know its ridiculous but I have always been in relationships. Since I was 15 its pretty much been steady, I have always been discontent alone but this semester God has really just brought me to a place of beautiful contentment. Not just relationally (as in not being in one) but also just with who I am and what I will do with my life and even little things like money and things that bother me at school or my apartment. Last semester was tough, I felt like I was face down in the mud, at the bottom of my rope the whole semester. I just felt like I couldnt get up and I made many mistakes, I shook my fist at God and cursed Him to His face, in a way I gave up on people and for a bit I tried to even give up on God, but isn't our saviour good! He didnt give up on me. Not once, the whole semester I could feel Him pulling me back to Him and I had to fight with all of my strength to stay away from Him. It was exhausting really and when I finally collapsed in his love and grace I realized there was/is no place in the entire universe I would rather be than in the arms of my loving Saviour. And thats how I have felt since then ( I remember the moment when it all came crashing down last semester and man was it freeing) but since then , God has just overwhelmed me with SUCH contentment!! I am so happy just to dwell with him, to be blessed by the people around me and to absorb the wisdom the profs are teaching and to be amazed at the beauty of His creation all around. I am so blessed. God has also (through my experience last semester, and even now) been showing me that He is my God and He only. This , more often than not, hurts. I am finally content but that doesnt mean its all rainbows and easy. Its still hard, it still hurts. When God corrects me or asks me to give something up for him. When He asks me to prioritize my life, putting him even above even  my family whom I love most in this world. Ya that hurts, and its difficult, but last semester I experienced the alternative... running. And it was terrible and exhausting and I not once had peace. And now, through every trial and heart ache and difficulty, I still have a reason to to proclaim Christ. Nothing can take that away from me and in every one of my circumstances and mistakes and heart aches I will declare Christ as my amazing and unfathomable Saviour. That is why I can be content, because He alone is my God.