the little things

Well, I guess its about time. Its been a while and there have been so many times I thought! That’s sweet , I gotta blog about that then I never do. But whatev’s here I am now. Ill start at the beginning

            So, some friends of ours got married and Chloe was their flower girl and let me tell you, that already beautiful looked absolutely gorgeous!  We were at the reception and it was probably 11:30 pm… not a lot was going on, I mean the usual, a bit of drinking, a lot of dancing, and Chloe comes to me SO upset, crying and sad. If you know me you know Im a sucker for that angel child. I asked her what was wrong and she goes “auntie Bec I lost me earring!” just so heart broken lol. All I wanted to do was fix it. her sweet little eyes just looked so sad. So here I went- on a hunt in a dark room of 300 tipsy/dancing people. Well, I started at the dance floor, no such luck. I know its silly, like really silly, but I was desperate and I wanted to fix Chloes little broken heart so I asked God to help me find it… ha ridiculous really, but I looked up, across the dance floor and there under a table was a tiny little glint – her earring.  I know its tiny but it just made me marvel. Such a big, big God and there are so many other things in the world… I don’t know I guess God just really reminded me how much he cares, even about those little, insignificant details. It made Chloe’s night, but mostly it just blew my mind. I cant believe what an incredible God we serve he is just so intimately close, and I think sometimes we miss it… or something I dunno. God likes to help with those little details I think. Sometimes we mutter up these little half hearted prayers without thinking that God will answer them. We limit him in his greatness I think – saying “he has bigger things to deal with” but we are still his children and thinking from a human perspective, wouldn’t we want to help our kids with everything, even those little things??

            Well that was a while ago anyways, a lot has happened since then. Quite significantly I moved back to Abby. Crazy- the last time I packed my bags and left Abbotsford I didn’t think I would ever be going back… but I got back to Lethbridge and I just missed it. I love Lethbridge, I LOVE being around my family and the kids, I am getting all teary eyed and homesick just thinking about it and I am still on the plane leaving Lethbridge. But something just felt right about going back. Honestly… I like the weather there. I like the scenery. I like the ocean. And living an hour from Vancouver and 10 min from the border. I dunno it came down to those things. I wish I could move all my family out there and then I would be set. That would be perfect! Anyways God has just been good in all of this! He has provided me with a place to live, I got accepted into Uni, starting Nursing Program studies in the fall. Its exciting. Life is just beginning.

            I have so much more to say, but I just don’t have time. Hopefully soon! Tootles guys! 

My Boat Right Now

Well,

I miss it, I miss everything about it. I was always the pessimist; I always told people that distance always makes friendships fade. I always believed that. And then people told me that wasn’t how it always went, that I was being a pessimist and that if you invested enough in a friendship and continued to do so long distance, they wouldn’t fade. I flippen believed them! And I was right the whole time, because Im watching more than one friendship slowly fade out right in front of me. And I am investing all I have to invest, and its not working. Its hard, and I knew it would change. It just sometimes hits me worse than others I guess.

Im thinking of coming back… actually, I am coming back if I can find a place to live. Im accepted to the University of Fraser Valley and the only thing standing between me and coming home is living. If I can find a room to rent I will be moving back. And Im SO excited, except, I think that’s why the friendship thing is so hard. Im worried because of this fade that happened in so many areas, that now going back might be weird, like “ya we said bye, so why are you back here?” sorta thing. Then on the other hand, I know it will be fine, I know it will work out one way or the other because it always does. I just over think everything and over analyze everything. Life is so crazy sometimes. But at least I can hold to one thing. God is always sovereign. This storm is tough, but I know my boats not sinkin', Im never in over my head and I know (eventually) I will make it out the other side stronger… someday ha, hope that’s coming soon cause this flippen boat is really leaky. 

home?

I thought it would be hard coming home, it isnt. What is hard, no, what makes my heart ache and my throat hurt , is not being there. Its not like home is hard, I just miss Abby so much. Its been just over a week and I still havent gotten through this shock of being home. I miss my other home. I miss Hannah, and running across the stupid hill separating our apartments at night when I needed to cry and I miss always having something to do on a weekday cause I knew Bob was always up for something, even if it was just chill. I have beautiful friends here, I thought that would make me miss my beautiful friends there less, but it doesnt. Just makes my heart feel all torn up between two amazing things. Oh but God is so constant, when my heart aches I can literally feel him holding me together. My heart aches yeah, but not for a second have I doubted Gods faithfulness. At first I thought I shouldn't be hurt about coming home cause that would mean I was somehow acting like God wasnt around, but I feel like God has given me permission to almost grieve what Im loosing, and rather than feeling far away, he pulls me close every time my heart breaks and cries with me till the storm passes. My God is amazing. He is so good and just the fact that I am hurting because I am torn between to beautiful places gives fact to that. I got to experience the most extraordinary thing ever, and that chapter of my life wasnt forced closed, no one stole it from me, I wasnt running from anyone. I let it close, all peaceful like. The chapter ended well. Thats more than a lot of people can say about the things they experience. I am more than blessed. Micheal Szuk taught us that principle, more than - Qal wa homer. Yes, I am more than blessed and yes, right beside that my heart is still breaking. I know in a world that has so many bigger issues going on this seems insignificant, but if I cross your mind, shoot a prayer up for me , I could use it.

Walk on With Me

Walk on With Me
"Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, for I delight in it." Psalm 119:35

"My Child, the path of duty is before you. It may look rugged, but it is the only way of divine blessing. Choose some other way, and you shall find only disappointment and frustration of soul. Weariness shall overtake you on the smoothest road, if it is not the pathway of My ordained will. Be not deceived by doubts and be not detained by fears. Move into the centre of My purpose for you. You shall find glorious victories are waiting for you, and recompenses far exceeding every sacrifice.
Be obedient: You will bring joy to My heart. Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit.
Walk on with me. I will be very near to give you support and encouragement, so you have nothing to warrant your fears. they will vanish as you obey."
               ~ Come Away My Beloved (Frances J. Roberts)

I guess there is nothing else to say, this is what God gave me. So,  duty is before me and it doesn't look easy, but He has called me to it and I know that if i try any other way I will only fall into disappointment and heart ache. His purpose for me holds 'glorious victories' and recompenses for all the sacrifices I feel like I have had to make. Me following his will brings my Father joy, and nothing else should matter, not people or situations or locations. He will be near me, even when I feel afraid and discouraged. Every step I take towards the Father I take away from my fears, doubts, and shortcomings. Even leaving this school, this community and this life altering place, I guess it just doesnt matter. No matter where I go, I go with the Lord and that will always be my comfort.

So...


♫ Heres a toast to those who hear me all too well... Heres to the nights we felt alive, heres to the tears you knew you'd cry, heres to goodbye , tomorrow's gonna come too soon.  ♫
           ~ Eve 6 

What I'll Miss and What I Want

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Ive been meaning to write for so long but I just have so much that I want to say and I feel like there is never enough time… Well here it is anyways, from the begining. My heart laid out bare again. 

This is what I’ll miss:

The Punjabi ladies who thread my eye brows for 4 dollars every other week. Jays pizza. Cinnamon buns fresh on Tuesday mornings in the café.Weekend trips to the city. Day trips to the states. Pork that tasts like chicken from the café. Waiting in line for food. Cherry blossoms in the spring. Campus tours on work days. Running in the rain. Independent foods where I do groceries. Vespers. Chapel. Midnight mcdonads runs with my roommates. Late night talks about boys. Late night talks about grace. Shirly Esau and her encouragment. Bakerview and the home Ive found at that church. The shower in my apartment.New testement theology every Tuesday and Thursday morning with Micheal Szuk. Being challenged daily by the scholars around me. The library at night. Ron Penners mustache. The lounge where you always find people making out on the top floor. The dorms. The echo in the circle. Volley ball. The overwhelmingly beautiful community. Donika. Lindy. Liz. Hannah. Erin Martins. Micheal Szuk. Not being in bed before midnight, ever. The green everywhere. The rec room at night. Watching the crazy questies from Donikas dorm window. Sumas coffee shop. Fishtrap lake. Ethos with Bob. The marks I make in my bible in class. Never paying attention with Bryan in A-Psych. The apartment. Our mantel. Our furniture. How there is always 8 people at our house, at least. The weekend get togethers with everyone. Always having someone to sit with in the café. The commuter lounge. Delving into scripture every single day in class. No class Fridays. Breaking café rules. Grey's with Nataizya on thursday nights. Pranking at midnight. Late night cow petting trips. Dancing in the apartment. The girl’s wardrobe. Lindy’s absurd crafts. Liz’s absurd comments. Working at the greenhouse. Hannahs amazing and God given gift of encouragement. Painting in Vespers. Friday night lights. After thoughts cheese cake and italian sodas. My wall of pictures. The way Liz pins her rent money to my wall. The people, oh how I will miss the people. The way God is transforming me and growing me here.

Since Christmas I have been trying to prepare myself for this. For leaving this place I love. but nothing can prepare me for this. I am so excited to start the next chapter of my life. I honestly cant wait. But I don’t know how to deal with leaving. It actually tears my heart apart and the thought of leaving sometimes actually leaves me incapacitated. Oh what a place CBC hold in my heart. I am SO blessed. I am so incredibly, abundantly blessed to have spent the time I did here. Oh what a wonderful God that he brought me here.

Lately I have been thinking about grace… if you have ever spent time mulling over this you will know its not small feat. I am overwhelmed. On a daily basis. A few weekends again our school hosted the mens pac west national volleyball championships. The girls on the volleyball team were paired off and assigned to ‘host’ teams that were coming in to compete. I was paired with a lovely girl on the team and we hosted a team of boys from the red deer college. In preparation for the hosting I was praying and thinking about the amazing opportunity myself and the school had to show all these people coming in from all over Canada a different type of person. People who cared and are kind expecting nothing in return. For myself I wanted these teams to be able to look at me and say “now there is something different, that girls has something special” I wanted to share God without having to ever say a word… I failed. I failed so bad, I had such an opportunity and though the weekend was good in the last moment I let God down in a big way. I never did anything overly ‘wrong’ or absurd, I just ended up in a situation where I could have shared and glorified and instead I denied. I felt like Peter. More than once, God asked through people, “do you love me? Will you serve me? Will you be different?” and I wasn’t. by far the worst part about all of this was that… I didn’t care. I had fun being of this word and I knew I would want to do it again and “how could (can) I accept grace and repent with that mind set?!”  I was talking to God about it… he , he told me his grace was enough. What is that? How do I even accept that? I couldn’t. I didn’t think I could just take it. “I am to human” I thought I know ill screw up again so how can I repent and accept this grace when I know I will have to again next time I fail miserably? I thought and thought. I refused this grace. The following day I ended up at a church I don’t normally go to. I sat for about 5 minutes before deciding I would leave, I was bored. On my way out I saw younger lady sitting at a prayer table. I asked her if we could talk. I didn’t (don’t) even know her name but she spoke truth into my life. She talked about grace and how sometimes accepting it is an act of obedience rather than an emotion. She said sometimes we have to accept the grace and from that our hearts will change rather than having our heart change and through that accept Gods grace. I guess it seems simpler now but a few weeks ago that radically changed my thinking. Sometimes the action has to precede the feeling. Bill always used to say you cant steer a stopped car. I guess it took a step of faith, step out first then from that change will spur. Well here I am. Almost a month later and I am trying. Oh I am trying so hard, but nothing I could ever do will be enough. Nothing I do will help me to deserve this grace and I don’t understand that and I cant process that. I just want to do well. I just want to be what God deserves. “but I am of flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.” (Romans 6:15) I feel like a slave. I cant free myself from this and I know Jesus did that. I cant lift myself out of my own pit, I know that Jesus does that but I feel like I keep wandering back to that pit and it scares me because I am here, I am at Columbia. I am at this beautifully, wonderfully, gorgeous place where I am constantly encouraged and uplifted and immersed in the wisdom of scholars whom have been blessed with great insight by God himself…. And I still.fall.short. This is what I want, I want more, I want more of God in me. I want to be overwhelmed and unsettled and dumbfounded by Christ. He is undeniable, I already know that, but I want to not be able to see anything but him. I want him to seep into every thought and action and feeling. I want to breath him and speak him and act him. I want him to use me and change me and transform me. I want to be just like Jesus. I want to serve and pour out and exhaust myself for him. I am so tierd of the shallow ways of the world and of being exhausted for the things I love and do. I want to pour out and overflow him and not myself. That is what I want. 

Times

My Brilliant Hermenutics and Theology professor talks about shoulder taps, things that you hear, see, or even smell that are God relating something to you. Today I had a shoulder tap.

God Said   ♫  My love is over its underneath, its inside, its in between. The times you doubt me, and when you cant feel. The times that question, 'is this for real?' The times you're broken , the times that you mend. The times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well My love is over, its underneath, its inside its in between. These times your healing and when your heart breaks, the times when you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal. The times you go hungry and attempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain, Im there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. Im there through your heart ache, Im there through the storm, My love I will keep you, by My power alone. I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been. Ill never forsake you. My love never ends. It never ends.♫

I dont even know what to say, I don't even know how to comprehend this. The times when I doubt...and I do, I have, and I know I will. I doubt.
When I cant feel. When everything in my world is crashing down around my feet and I cant think or function... or feel. He is there those times. The times when I questioned, "is this for real?" the times I have screamed this at Gods face! "Why? Are you kidding me! God, Why!" When the church split. When Nathan and Sharon left. When Bill died. When my friends hurt. When the world hurts. When I was hurting and God didnt answer. "why?"
The times that Im broken. the times that I mend, that hurts just as much as being broken.
The times I've hated God. When I have abandoned hope and ignored my Maker, when I have left the only arms that know how to hold me without breaking me. When I have told God to his face how angry I was at him. Even then, even then his love remained
The times I've bent. When God said "it will cost you everything Becca" and I went. When he said "would you even give up your family for me?"and I said yes. When he said "would you go back to Lethbridge for me?" and I said yes. when he said "would you trust that I have something better for you" and I did. through that all, He was there. He is here.
The times Im healing. When I have to open up old wounds and deal with them. When I have to face my hurt and deal with it, work through it. He is here.
The times my heart broke. Through every heart break, every relationship - both with friends and boys. He was there, he held me together when I started falling apart.
When feel like Ive fallen from grace. When I have failed more times then I can count. When every. single. time. I make the same stupid mistakes. When I try to do it on my own. When I try to do it by leaning on other people. When I am at the end of my rope. When I have fell again and again, when I have felt beyond hope, or restoration, or redemption. When I have felt beyond Grace. He was there, He held out his arms and his grace to me in unconditional ways.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain. Welcome to my life right now. Im leaving, My heart is divided, my thought are going crazy. "can I do nursing? will I fail? Will I meet new people? Will I remember the old ones? Will these friendships become a thing of the past? how will I live like I should without this support? How will I manage to do it right there if I keep messing up here?" All through these times, his love remains, over and underneath. it consumes me.
The times when I am being crushed by my shame. What have I done? I cant go back, I cant change anything. It literally suffocates me. and my God, my wonderful God steps in and lifts it, he lets me breath again. He again and again reassures me that He is far to big for things like my shame. He reminds me of his Love.
"my love I will keep you, by my power alone" through all these times... Nothing else could keep me, nothing. He can though. No other power can forgive and love and pour out grace like this one. No other power could draw me back again and again. He alone can.

My God is a powerful and mighty, and good God and He has carried me through every time.

What I heard

wow. I feel overwhelmed. I'm still processing all I heard, but what I heard was amazing. I heard 3 things. This is what I heard.
1)  Gods goal is to sanctify those who are his own
   --> sanctification equals transformation. Its not just an outward transformation, its transformation of the heart. It is being transformed into the character of God
   --> Ephesians 5:25-27: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish"
     -- so here is the thing, God is looking for his bride! He looks down and he sees all the people, the beautiful ones that are prepared and shiny and clean and waiting... He should pick from them, He should make them His bride, but He doesn't. why? I dont get it. God looks past them, He sees the messy, the dirty, the broken the weak, the ugly smeared in filth and grime and he picks them up and He looks at them and He sees nothing of himself! Nothing! In the bearer of His very own image Christ sees nothing that looks like him. So He sets us down and starts transforming us into something that looks more like him. like His image. He cuts our nails, that hurts. He brushes out our tangled hair, ow. He wipes the sand and dirt of our faces, that leaves us exposed and vulnerable. It hurts all of this hurts. Sanctification hurts, it is a breaking of ourselves. But here is the thing, He is doing this so we can be presentable to Christ!! We, US, we're to be His bride!
2) God uses confrontation with those who are his own 
   --> In the story of Jacob and Rachel and Leah (Gen 29:15-30) Jacob is decieved. He has just run, literally run from his brother who was trying to kill him because Jacob deceived him! And here Jacob is deceived. He has worked and slaved and in the end he has been utterly and totally deceived. This hurts. Jacob hurts, he feels. Feeling hurts but it means transformation.
   --> In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 it says  "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,that the man of God may be complete,equipped for every good work." 
     - - this means that when we read the bible we should feel rebuff, we should feel correction. I am not the image bearer of Christ right now in my life, when I come to scripture, the authority of it should ruin me, taking away all my pretences leaving me with nothing but Christ. It should. In Romans 8:29 it says "those he forknew he predestined"! He predestined us to look like Him, and we dont. We don't look anything like him. Jesus it tough, all through the New testament Jesus is more tough then tender to his disciples and the people he was teaching. He is tough because he looked at them... He looks at me, and he doesn't see himself, He doesn't see his image. So he sets us down and starts transforming us to his image  and that hurts.Member? sanctification hurts.  
3) If you are a child of God your suffering is purposeful 
  --> There is a purpose!! our suffering , like I have been getting at the whole time, has a purpose!! God is moulding and transforming! His purpose is to sanctify us and **whether we are clay or Iron we. will. be. moulded!!!! we just need to hold on and see the purpose. God is sanctifying us to be his bride! He is sanctifying me... 


** Hebrews 12:7-11: "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."


Here is the crunch people God is tearing Idols out of my hands! He is turing over tax tables in my heart! He is taking away everything that I may have SO much more! *there is only one way* We cannot be transformed any other way. To quote the verse above, God says, "for the moment" people... it hurts "for the moment" friends....its painful "For the moment" Becca...you.will.hurt. "For the moment" it will be excruciating. "but later" ahhh "later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." There is a purpose people, and the painful part will not go on forever. We are being sanctified, we are to be Christ's bride, we are image bearers! This is gunna hurt, "but later" it will worth it.


That is what I heard.