Walk on With Me

Walk on With Me
"Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, for I delight in it." Psalm 119:35

"My Child, the path of duty is before you. It may look rugged, but it is the only way of divine blessing. Choose some other way, and you shall find only disappointment and frustration of soul. Weariness shall overtake you on the smoothest road, if it is not the pathway of My ordained will. Be not deceived by doubts and be not detained by fears. Move into the centre of My purpose for you. You shall find glorious victories are waiting for you, and recompenses far exceeding every sacrifice.
Be obedient: You will bring joy to My heart. Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit.
Walk on with me. I will be very near to give you support and encouragement, so you have nothing to warrant your fears. they will vanish as you obey."
               ~ Come Away My Beloved (Frances J. Roberts)

I guess there is nothing else to say, this is what God gave me. So,  duty is before me and it doesn't look easy, but He has called me to it and I know that if i try any other way I will only fall into disappointment and heart ache. His purpose for me holds 'glorious victories' and recompenses for all the sacrifices I feel like I have had to make. Me following his will brings my Father joy, and nothing else should matter, not people or situations or locations. He will be near me, even when I feel afraid and discouraged. Every step I take towards the Father I take away from my fears, doubts, and shortcomings. Even leaving this school, this community and this life altering place, I guess it just doesnt matter. No matter where I go, I go with the Lord and that will always be my comfort.

So...


♫ Heres a toast to those who hear me all too well... Heres to the nights we felt alive, heres to the tears you knew you'd cry, heres to goodbye , tomorrow's gonna come too soon.  ♫
           ~ Eve 6 

What I'll Miss and What I Want

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Ive been meaning to write for so long but I just have so much that I want to say and I feel like there is never enough time… Well here it is anyways, from the begining. My heart laid out bare again. 

This is what I’ll miss:

The Punjabi ladies who thread my eye brows for 4 dollars every other week. Jays pizza. Cinnamon buns fresh on Tuesday mornings in the café.Weekend trips to the city. Day trips to the states. Pork that tasts like chicken from the café. Waiting in line for food. Cherry blossoms in the spring. Campus tours on work days. Running in the rain. Independent foods where I do groceries. Vespers. Chapel. Midnight mcdonads runs with my roommates. Late night talks about boys. Late night talks about grace. Shirly Esau and her encouragment. Bakerview and the home Ive found at that church. The shower in my apartment.New testement theology every Tuesday and Thursday morning with Micheal Szuk. Being challenged daily by the scholars around me. The library at night. Ron Penners mustache. The lounge where you always find people making out on the top floor. The dorms. The echo in the circle. Volley ball. The overwhelmingly beautiful community. Donika. Lindy. Liz. Hannah. Erin Martins. Micheal Szuk. Not being in bed before midnight, ever. The green everywhere. The rec room at night. Watching the crazy questies from Donikas dorm window. Sumas coffee shop. Fishtrap lake. Ethos with Bob. The marks I make in my bible in class. Never paying attention with Bryan in A-Psych. The apartment. Our mantel. Our furniture. How there is always 8 people at our house, at least. The weekend get togethers with everyone. Always having someone to sit with in the café. The commuter lounge. Delving into scripture every single day in class. No class Fridays. Breaking café rules. Grey's with Nataizya on thursday nights. Pranking at midnight. Late night cow petting trips. Dancing in the apartment. The girl’s wardrobe. Lindy’s absurd crafts. Liz’s absurd comments. Working at the greenhouse. Hannahs amazing and God given gift of encouragement. Painting in Vespers. Friday night lights. After thoughts cheese cake and italian sodas. My wall of pictures. The way Liz pins her rent money to my wall. The people, oh how I will miss the people. The way God is transforming me and growing me here.

Since Christmas I have been trying to prepare myself for this. For leaving this place I love. but nothing can prepare me for this. I am so excited to start the next chapter of my life. I honestly cant wait. But I don’t know how to deal with leaving. It actually tears my heart apart and the thought of leaving sometimes actually leaves me incapacitated. Oh what a place CBC hold in my heart. I am SO blessed. I am so incredibly, abundantly blessed to have spent the time I did here. Oh what a wonderful God that he brought me here.

Lately I have been thinking about grace… if you have ever spent time mulling over this you will know its not small feat. I am overwhelmed. On a daily basis. A few weekends again our school hosted the mens pac west national volleyball championships. The girls on the volleyball team were paired off and assigned to ‘host’ teams that were coming in to compete. I was paired with a lovely girl on the team and we hosted a team of boys from the red deer college. In preparation for the hosting I was praying and thinking about the amazing opportunity myself and the school had to show all these people coming in from all over Canada a different type of person. People who cared and are kind expecting nothing in return. For myself I wanted these teams to be able to look at me and say “now there is something different, that girls has something special” I wanted to share God without having to ever say a word… I failed. I failed so bad, I had such an opportunity and though the weekend was good in the last moment I let God down in a big way. I never did anything overly ‘wrong’ or absurd, I just ended up in a situation where I could have shared and glorified and instead I denied. I felt like Peter. More than once, God asked through people, “do you love me? Will you serve me? Will you be different?” and I wasn’t. by far the worst part about all of this was that… I didn’t care. I had fun being of this word and I knew I would want to do it again and “how could (can) I accept grace and repent with that mind set?!”  I was talking to God about it… he , he told me his grace was enough. What is that? How do I even accept that? I couldn’t. I didn’t think I could just take it. “I am to human” I thought I know ill screw up again so how can I repent and accept this grace when I know I will have to again next time I fail miserably? I thought and thought. I refused this grace. The following day I ended up at a church I don’t normally go to. I sat for about 5 minutes before deciding I would leave, I was bored. On my way out I saw younger lady sitting at a prayer table. I asked her if we could talk. I didn’t (don’t) even know her name but she spoke truth into my life. She talked about grace and how sometimes accepting it is an act of obedience rather than an emotion. She said sometimes we have to accept the grace and from that our hearts will change rather than having our heart change and through that accept Gods grace. I guess it seems simpler now but a few weeks ago that radically changed my thinking. Sometimes the action has to precede the feeling. Bill always used to say you cant steer a stopped car. I guess it took a step of faith, step out first then from that change will spur. Well here I am. Almost a month later and I am trying. Oh I am trying so hard, but nothing I could ever do will be enough. Nothing I do will help me to deserve this grace and I don’t understand that and I cant process that. I just want to do well. I just want to be what God deserves. “but I am of flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.” (Romans 6:15) I feel like a slave. I cant free myself from this and I know Jesus did that. I cant lift myself out of my own pit, I know that Jesus does that but I feel like I keep wandering back to that pit and it scares me because I am here, I am at Columbia. I am at this beautifully, wonderfully, gorgeous place where I am constantly encouraged and uplifted and immersed in the wisdom of scholars whom have been blessed with great insight by God himself…. And I still.fall.short. This is what I want, I want more, I want more of God in me. I want to be overwhelmed and unsettled and dumbfounded by Christ. He is undeniable, I already know that, but I want to not be able to see anything but him. I want him to seep into every thought and action and feeling. I want to breath him and speak him and act him. I want him to use me and change me and transform me. I want to be just like Jesus. I want to serve and pour out and exhaust myself for him. I am so tierd of the shallow ways of the world and of being exhausted for the things I love and do. I want to pour out and overflow him and not myself. That is what I want. 

Times

My Brilliant Hermenutics and Theology professor talks about shoulder taps, things that you hear, see, or even smell that are God relating something to you. Today I had a shoulder tap.

God Said   ♫  My love is over its underneath, its inside, its in between. The times you doubt me, and when you cant feel. The times that question, 'is this for real?' The times you're broken , the times that you mend. The times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well My love is over, its underneath, its inside its in between. These times your healing and when your heart breaks, the times when you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal. The times you go hungry and attempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain, Im there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. Im there through your heart ache, Im there through the storm, My love I will keep you, by My power alone. I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been. Ill never forsake you. My love never ends. It never ends.♫

I dont even know what to say, I don't even know how to comprehend this. The times when I doubt...and I do, I have, and I know I will. I doubt.
When I cant feel. When everything in my world is crashing down around my feet and I cant think or function... or feel. He is there those times. The times when I questioned, "is this for real?" the times I have screamed this at Gods face! "Why? Are you kidding me! God, Why!" When the church split. When Nathan and Sharon left. When Bill died. When my friends hurt. When the world hurts. When I was hurting and God didnt answer. "why?"
The times that Im broken. the times that I mend, that hurts just as much as being broken.
The times I've hated God. When I have abandoned hope and ignored my Maker, when I have left the only arms that know how to hold me without breaking me. When I have told God to his face how angry I was at him. Even then, even then his love remained
The times I've bent. When God said "it will cost you everything Becca" and I went. When he said "would you even give up your family for me?"and I said yes. When he said "would you go back to Lethbridge for me?" and I said yes. when he said "would you trust that I have something better for you" and I did. through that all, He was there. He is here.
The times Im healing. When I have to open up old wounds and deal with them. When I have to face my hurt and deal with it, work through it. He is here.
The times my heart broke. Through every heart break, every relationship - both with friends and boys. He was there, he held me together when I started falling apart.
When feel like Ive fallen from grace. When I have failed more times then I can count. When every. single. time. I make the same stupid mistakes. When I try to do it on my own. When I try to do it by leaning on other people. When I am at the end of my rope. When I have fell again and again, when I have felt beyond hope, or restoration, or redemption. When I have felt beyond Grace. He was there, He held out his arms and his grace to me in unconditional ways.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain. Welcome to my life right now. Im leaving, My heart is divided, my thought are going crazy. "can I do nursing? will I fail? Will I meet new people? Will I remember the old ones? Will these friendships become a thing of the past? how will I live like I should without this support? How will I manage to do it right there if I keep messing up here?" All through these times, his love remains, over and underneath. it consumes me.
The times when I am being crushed by my shame. What have I done? I cant go back, I cant change anything. It literally suffocates me. and my God, my wonderful God steps in and lifts it, he lets me breath again. He again and again reassures me that He is far to big for things like my shame. He reminds me of his Love.
"my love I will keep you, by my power alone" through all these times... Nothing else could keep me, nothing. He can though. No other power can forgive and love and pour out grace like this one. No other power could draw me back again and again. He alone can.

My God is a powerful and mighty, and good God and He has carried me through every time.

What I heard

wow. I feel overwhelmed. I'm still processing all I heard, but what I heard was amazing. I heard 3 things. This is what I heard.
1)  Gods goal is to sanctify those who are his own
   --> sanctification equals transformation. Its not just an outward transformation, its transformation of the heart. It is being transformed into the character of God
   --> Ephesians 5:25-27: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish"
     -- so here is the thing, God is looking for his bride! He looks down and he sees all the people, the beautiful ones that are prepared and shiny and clean and waiting... He should pick from them, He should make them His bride, but He doesn't. why? I dont get it. God looks past them, He sees the messy, the dirty, the broken the weak, the ugly smeared in filth and grime and he picks them up and He looks at them and He sees nothing of himself! Nothing! In the bearer of His very own image Christ sees nothing that looks like him. So He sets us down and starts transforming us into something that looks more like him. like His image. He cuts our nails, that hurts. He brushes out our tangled hair, ow. He wipes the sand and dirt of our faces, that leaves us exposed and vulnerable. It hurts all of this hurts. Sanctification hurts, it is a breaking of ourselves. But here is the thing, He is doing this so we can be presentable to Christ!! We, US, we're to be His bride!
2) God uses confrontation with those who are his own 
   --> In the story of Jacob and Rachel and Leah (Gen 29:15-30) Jacob is decieved. He has just run, literally run from his brother who was trying to kill him because Jacob deceived him! And here Jacob is deceived. He has worked and slaved and in the end he has been utterly and totally deceived. This hurts. Jacob hurts, he feels. Feeling hurts but it means transformation.
   --> In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 it says  "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,that the man of God may be complete,equipped for every good work." 
     - - this means that when we read the bible we should feel rebuff, we should feel correction. I am not the image bearer of Christ right now in my life, when I come to scripture, the authority of it should ruin me, taking away all my pretences leaving me with nothing but Christ. It should. In Romans 8:29 it says "those he forknew he predestined"! He predestined us to look like Him, and we dont. We don't look anything like him. Jesus it tough, all through the New testament Jesus is more tough then tender to his disciples and the people he was teaching. He is tough because he looked at them... He looks at me, and he doesn't see himself, He doesn't see his image. So he sets us down and starts transforming us to his image  and that hurts.Member? sanctification hurts.  
3) If you are a child of God your suffering is purposeful 
  --> There is a purpose!! our suffering , like I have been getting at the whole time, has a purpose!! God is moulding and transforming! His purpose is to sanctify us and **whether we are clay or Iron we. will. be. moulded!!!! we just need to hold on and see the purpose. God is sanctifying us to be his bride! He is sanctifying me... 


** Hebrews 12:7-11: "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."


Here is the crunch people God is tearing Idols out of my hands! He is turing over tax tables in my heart! He is taking away everything that I may have SO much more! *there is only one way* We cannot be transformed any other way. To quote the verse above, God says, "for the moment" people... it hurts "for the moment" friends....its painful "For the moment" Becca...you.will.hurt. "For the moment" it will be excruciating. "but later" ahhh "later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." There is a purpose people, and the painful part will not go on forever. We are being sanctified, we are to be Christ's bride, we are image bearers! This is gunna hurt, "but later" it will worth it.


That is what I heard. 

My friend Donika...

My friend Donika is amazing. She is caring and gentle and most of all she loves the Lord, not just half way, or a little bit, but with her whole entire heart! She is wise beyond her years and she is a loyal, kind, and dependable friend. Today yet again I was blown away by Donika's Christ like character. What a gorgeous day it was today, the sun was shining and it was warm and comfortable outside. Donny and I went for a walk at the lake. We were driving back from our walk when she noticed a man struggling to walk upright on the side walk. She asked if I could pull over or if we could give the man a ride. As I pulled over she jumped out and asked if we could help him. He was delighted, his eyes just sparkled at this rare, kind gesture. As he got into the car he introduced himself as Mike. Mike was chatty :) he quickly began talking about his life, and what he did now a days, he struggled to speak and apologized often when his speech became hard to understand "dentures" he smiled and said "they are a bit loose." Mike didn't live far from where we needed to go. He spoke openly about his life and mistakes, he was a sweet old man with a good heart. We arrived at his house and as he started getting out of my car. I wanted to say something, to offer him something kind, or try to give him some hopeful parting words. I came up empty. I never have the right words to say. But Donika, well Donika didnt have to think twice, as soon as Mike got out of the car she said "hey Mike? do you want our phone numbers? to call if you ever need a ride or something?" I never would have thought of that :) but sweet Donika naturally did. We gave Mike our numbers and he said "Aw you girls are just so sweet, if any boys ever give you trouble you just call me, and if you're ever stuck for finances" he said "you just call me" sweet man. Just so kind. After that Donika yet again didnt think twice as she asked Mike if we could pray with him. Mike was delighted and we (mostly Donika ;) ) got a chance to pray with him. I dont know why but it just blew my mind. I dont know if Mike thought we were crazy or if our short encounter had any lasting impact or effect but I'd like to think that Donikas kindness showed him something special about God, that it gave Mike a glimpse of our amazing, big, loving, and encompassing God.  Donny went out of her way for someone. She wasnt ashamed or afraid like so many of us are so often, she did exactly what Jesus would have done if he would have been in that situation. She didnt worry about her schedule, she didnt worry about being embarrassed, she didnt worry about getting turned down for praying with Mike. She just did it, she didnt think about it or worry about it, she just stood up for the Lord. My friend Donika. I am proud to know her and I am blessed to have a friend the loves the Lord as much as she does. My friend Donika is loyal and kind and sweet, and virtuous. How blessed I am to know my friend Donika

January 21, 2012

Hey everyone,

Its been a while. I am finally settling into a pattern out here since being back from christmas. Compared to last semester my schedule is pretty much completely empty... normal people could organize this no problem but because I am used to booking 8 million things into my week every week I honestly am having trouble settling into a schedule. Hopefully this week will be better. I am taking Bio30 and Math correspondence so that means I need to slot it into my schedule and I need to get better at that. Its hard to be motivated for a class when you never actually have to go to class.

Other than that things have been good. I have been in, I guess you could call, a "contemplative state." Since coming back  I have just being thinking a lot! I am not saying that to be a ditzy blonde I have just been contemplating absolutely everything. I have been at CBC for 3 semesters now, it has radically and drastically changed my life, and now its coming to an end.  I don't feel ready for this too end, and quite honestly I am happy here and I don't want it too. but it is. I guess I have just been thinking about everything I have learned here, both in classes and out. I have learned wisdom and theology, and grace and faithfulness more than I have ever learnt it before. I have been overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and love and friendship like I have NEVER experienced it before. I have failed miserably and had heart ache, and doubted and abandoned hope. I have experienced more than I can even put into words at CBC and with the people here and the thought of all this ending breaks my heart. I guess I just think about how much I have experienced here and I think I took it for granted. I didn't make every second count all the time, I invested in one person for a whole year when I could have been investing in a ton of people and the school and building strong relationships! I guess I just feel like I wasted last year in a way. This first fall semester was amazing! I developed such strong relationships with some people that had been only acquaintances before and it has been fabulous!! I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am just not ready to say goodbye. All this investing in people, all this fun and laughter.... and now I feel like I will leave and just have a bunch of really good memories. There are some people here who I know I will keep in contact with and stay close with and thank goodness... I know I have made friends for life here. But it changes. we will never have the relationships we have now back again. It will never again be like it is now. Im not saying thats bad, its just different and its change and sometimes... most times (lets be honest) change scares me.

Along with all these things I have been contemplating I have also been literally overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and blessedness (if thats even a word) I know that people always joke about how I always say "I am just so blessed" but I am!! I cant believe I came here, I cant believe I made it to Columbia and learned and made all these friends who like me just the way I am! I cant believe that I accomplished almost 2 years of post secondary! I am so, so , so blessed. What an opportunity I have had and am still in. I just want to make every second count in the next 3 months! I love this place and I am so thankful that God allowed me to come and prepared the way for me. What an amazing God that He would look out for me!

Even more from the mind of Becca :) I have just been so excited about whats next! Somedays I feel sick from this roller coaster I am on! One minute I am so heart broken that I am leaving in 3 months and the next I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, and the next I am giddy with excitement about starting Nursing and being around my family and friends in Lethy again (even tho usually that thought is accompanied by a little greif at leaving... its unavoidable) , and even about what I will do this summer. I can do anything! I can work at a camp , I can travel, I can stay in Abby. I guess I just have lots of options for the summer and thats exciting! All these things... I just sometimes dont even know where to start processing it all. I guess my biggest thing is just realizing it is what it is. There is no use getting sad about leaving here and there is no use dreading Lethy when thats where I will be. I am going there so I might as well get right pumped up about it.

I am finally finding myself at a place of contentment. This is something new for me. I know its ridiculous but I have always been in relationships. Since I was 15 its pretty much been steady, I have always been discontent alone but this semester God has really just brought me to a place of beautiful contentment. Not just relationally (as in not being in one) but also just with who I am and what I will do with my life and even little things like money and things that bother me at school or my apartment. Last semester was tough, I felt like I was face down in the mud, at the bottom of my rope the whole semester. I just felt like I couldnt get up and I made many mistakes, I shook my fist at God and cursed Him to His face, in a way I gave up on people and for a bit I tried to even give up on God, but isn't our saviour good! He didnt give up on me. Not once, the whole semester I could feel Him pulling me back to Him and I had to fight with all of my strength to stay away from Him. It was exhausting really and when I finally collapsed in his love and grace I realized there was/is no place in the entire universe I would rather be than in the arms of my loving Saviour. And thats how I have felt since then ( I remember the moment when it all came crashing down last semester and man was it freeing) but since then , God has just overwhelmed me with SUCH contentment!! I am so happy just to dwell with him, to be blessed by the people around me and to absorb the wisdom the profs are teaching and to be amazed at the beauty of His creation all around. I am so blessed. God has also (through my experience last semester, and even now) been showing me that He is my God and He only. This , more often than not, hurts. I am finally content but that doesnt mean its all rainbows and easy. Its still hard, it still hurts. When God corrects me or asks me to give something up for him. When He asks me to prioritize my life, putting him even above even  my family whom I love most in this world. Ya that hurts, and its difficult, but last semester I experienced the alternative... running. And it was terrible and exhausting and I not once had peace. And now, through every trial and heart ache and difficulty, I still have a reason to to proclaim Christ. Nothing can take that away from me and in every one of my circumstances and mistakes and heart aches I will declare Christ as my amazing and unfathomable Saviour. That is why I can be content, because He alone is my God.

January 1, 2012!!

Its 2012!! prepare for the end!!! ;) lol who knows what could happen :D

Hey people! I hope your new years celebrations were fantastic... mine were, bellow average , but who cares even. There is to much hype about new years! I am blessed and happy to be alive, I have wonderful family and friends and next year instead of trying to make a big deal outa new years Im going to stay with my family!

Anyways the reason I am doing a quick little blog is because I still dont know what to do in the summer and following semester at school. The plan is to start nursing, but I just dont know if I should do it in Abbotsford or in Lethbridge... I love Abbotsford, its my home now, but I love Lethbridge, and its always been my home!! GAH! I just dont know!  I want to go where God wants me to go but sometimes its hard for me to figure out what that is. I dont even know if I will get into either the Lethbridge college or UFV in Abby but I guess those are my options. I just dont know. I honestly dont, I know it seems trivial to pray about this insignificant thing in our big world of problems but if your praying for me this is really somewhere where I need guidance because I just dont know :( I hate not knowing. Thanks guys. Ill try to keep you updated on what I'm doing.

Much love, I hope you are feeling blessed and rejuvenated as you head into 2012!