The Driving Force

I am sitting in my big chair staring out of our front windows at this storm that is tearing across the lower mainland. We have no power at our house, I can’t even make myself tea. We have no internet and since it is during the school year I am not reading any novels. So here I am, sitting in my big chair, watching the storm.

I’m thinking. This is nice, no distractions and all, but as the hour wears on, and I am still just sitting here and staring I am beginning to feel uneasy with the nothingness of this situation. To be honest (and I am a little ashamed in this), I am getting bored.  So my thoughts turn to spiritual things, particularly hell. 

 I have this thought or belief that hell isn’t necessarily fire and brim stone – rather it is just a place where God isn’t – at all. No grace, no joy, no hope, just utter depravity with no solution and complete loneliness. Sometimes I think about this and I can’t even fathom what that would be like. But today for some reason, maybe for lack of anything else to do in the storm, I think perhaps, I can wrap my mind around the horror of the nothingness that an eternity of hell must bring. The thought of this horrible place, where for the rest of all time there is nothing – just bitter loneliness,scares me to my core. This is my belief about hell. And it is terrifying. So my first thought in reaction to this is, "oh my goodness, I need to get right with God. I need to make sure I don’t die and end up in the hell of nothingness for the rest of eternity." I think, "I need to make sure all the people that I love know about this. I need to make sure that they don’t end up there either!"  But suddenly I stop in my tracks – because I realize I have this "turn or burn" mentality – or in my case, turn or spend eternity in nothingness with no God or his grace.

So I ask myself the question – am I running towards God, or away from hell? Theoretically they are the same. Hell IS real, and I have good reason to fear it and run from it. Gods wrath needs to be satisfied, it is part of his character and He does not change. Yet, I think that if the reason we trust in God is because what we fear his wrath then we are somehow missing the point. Because God is also a God of love. And we have all heard this so many times that sadly, sometimes it doesn’t hold the same weight as it should. Yet it should. God loves us. His just wrath was satisfied when Jesus died on the cross for us and our response to that should be one of eagerness. We should be running towards this God who gave literally everything for us rather than just running in his direction since we are frightened of the alternative.

So today I was saddened by my bored thoughts. I was sad that my first response to Gods character came from a place of selfish fear rather than a place of complete awe that I am loved beyond what my thoughts can even comprehend. What is driving your relationship with Jesus today? Don’t get me wrong, we should fear God – it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Yet we shouldn’t be running away from hell, rather we should be running towards God with thankful and full hearts, in complete awe of the love that he has for us.

This is Urgent

“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God.” (Hebrews 10:31)

A living God.

An Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent God. The living God.

Sometimes I don't consider this; that my God is powerful, present, and knowledgeable in every area of my life and I start to worship elsewhere

Who, or what, has my attention, my time, and my efforts? Where do I worship? It strikes me that I have been doing an awful lot of worshiping at school, at home, in my family, and even in my husband. I have forgotten that the risen Savior might return tomorrow and that nursing, and my marriage, and my friendships will all be a gone These things are good, and I even believe Christ has called me to investing in them, yet they are finite and God is infinite. The moment I start forgetting this is the moment I begin to worship elsewhere.

It is so easy to displace our worship. This scares me because it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Christ is jealous of our worship. He loves us fiercely and when we give our hearts to another, when we worship elsewhere, He is angered. He yearns for our attention and our repentance. 

Sometimes I wake up and ask myself what I would do if Jesus came back today. What would I say about my dwindling efforts to share the gospel, or of my postponing Jesus’ final commandment – to make disciples? How would I respond to the question of whether or not I held my Christian brothers and sisters accountable?  Will I tell Jesus that I was trying to be nice? That I didn't want to offend or bring my faith where it “just shouldn't be brought”? Will I tell him that I didn't want to burn a bridge or wreck a relationship? That I didn't want to be the “crazy” overly intense Christian?

Sin is deadly.

It is poison and it infects every aspect of ones life.

This challenges me because in Jude we are cautioned to mercifully correct our brothers and sisters and in doing so we “snatch them from the flames of judgment”. But the thing is, we just don't do this. We allow the gospel to be watered down.  We allow our Christian family to walk headlong into destruction. We neglect sharing in our workplace or schools. We don't want to face the awkwardness of calling our brother and sisters out of their sin. We want to be loving in a culture that demands “respect” for everyone. We are condemned for judging should we speak out against sin yet, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” (¹)  and we have mastered the art of indifference. I have mastered indifference. You have mastered indifference

Stop it. Just stop.

This life is literally a whisper in the wind and we have to answer for eternity. We have to think about forever. Doesn't that scare you? It should, because it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Where are we worshiping? Do we leave our faith at home; as if it is something we can put on and take off as we please? We should embody Christ, there should be no distinction between where we start and he ends. We should be one, irreversibly married and my challenge, to you and to me is to stop acting like we aren’t. Eternity is on the line. Your friends, your family, your coworkers. Their eternity is on the line. The gospel is urgent. What if Jesus comes back tomorrow? How will you answer those questions? Our indifference is costing lives daily and it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God.

Do we really live like it is?

¹ Jeff Bucknam

Fresh Starts Attached to A Vine

John 15

 “Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you, abide in me and I in you” (vs3)

Today is a new day, the slate has been wiped clean under His mercy and we get to start fresh. His grace has allowed us to leave behind the mistakes and burdens of yesterday, they have no place in today, this new day. We begin like this, clean, simply because of the word he has spoken to us. We did not have to do anything for this word; it was and is not conditional on our behaviour or actions.

 I didn’t have to make sure I worked out 4 times this week for this word, this word was not conditional on whether or not I read my Bible this morning or kept my house clean for a whole day. I did not have to be perfect, have my ducks in a row, stop swearing, and learn the secret of patience in a day. Yet today, despite the fact that I did not meet even half of the expectations that I had for myself yesterday, I still got to start clean, with His word spoken over me.  As I reflect on this magnificent truth I wonder why I have all these expectations for myself in the first place. I justify them, indeed they are not bad, and in fact mostly they are good. Being healthy, being a good wife, a devout Christian, I’m sure that Christ delights in these things when I do them from a place of joy. Yet even striving to do all these “good things” I find myself daily in a place of guilt, or disappointment or frustration spurring from my inability to meet my own standard. I am not motivated enough, I have not done enough, I am not enough. Several times each day I come face to face with this. I am not enough. And this is true. I will never be good enough to earn this word that has been spoken to and over me. I will never be able to read and study enough of my Bible to be counted righteous on my own. I will always fail to be perfect. After facing this very unnerving reality I once again relinquish my pride, realize the majesty of grace and stand in awe that not by my own doing, but by His, I am made righteous in God’s sight. Suddenly I am enough, I am redeemed, and I am made right. Christ in me, the Holy Spirit living and active has made me right and whole. I stay in the beauty of this revelation, I am filled with joy and amazement and delight.

I’m growing snap pea’s, one of the stocks snapped a few days ago and the peas that were at the top of that vine have died. They were no longer connected. It is so obvious to us that this should happen, they are no longer being sustained by anything, how could they possibly live? I pause for just a second to realize the absurdity of it all, why are we surprised when we step away from our Father and our lives turn into a wasteland? If my snap pea cannot survive apart from its life giver how do we expect to? Why do we want to? Why do we choose destruction over good? It is so simple. “Abide in me” (vs9) “so your joy will be full” (vs 11)! Full of joy! Think about the happiest moment you can remember. This is joy. Why would we not choose to be that happy everyday? Especially when this gift is free, this word he spoke is so simple to receive--abide in him. Allow the creator to give joy. Stand in love. It’s amazing what happens when you choose to love the people around you. Abide in the vine and let the inevitable joy and love that will flow from that place change the way you encounter the world.

Created For The Side

I dont live on the mountain top. I wish I did, but I don't.

 I dont know if I told you about this picture I got about 6 months ago but I am going to tell you about it now; I am about a cm tall in my picture. I am standing on a giant stair case. Its so big that in my picture I can only see about 3 of the steps. I have just climbed a step. I can see the little pegs on the step I just climbed that had to be put there in order for me to climb them like a ladder and make it to the top of the step. My little self is jumping, just so stoked that I made it to the top, I'm cheering and whooping and pumped about life. In my little eyes I have climbed a mountain in life and I am living on top of this step with God. Everything is amazing because Im on the top of the step. But then something changes... I feel a tug and I have to turn around and when I do I see another massive step in front of me. It seems just as big or even bigger than the last one. And my cheering stops replaced with determination. I know God is asking me to go back into battle and fight and work to get to the top of that next step, putting in tiny pegs as I go to help me reach the top again. Part of me is disappointed because I feel like I've just made it to the top, and I wanna stay there , I don't wanna leave my happy, comfortable place. But that isn't an option for me, I can't live on the mountain. I have to live in a place where I have to work to put in those pegs, and put in so much effort to cling to the safety of the side of that step.

That was my picture 6 months ago. That was what I began six months ago and now Im putting in those pegs painstakingly slow, with an immense amount of effort. I am clinging to the edge of the step and I am missing the top. I am missing the easy, comfortable way that I got to experience living on the top of the step. But I this morning I read this and God showed me something that you need to know too. He didn't create us for the top of the step, he created us for the side. Not for the mountain but for the valley.

I read Psalm 77 this morning;

 "When the waters saw you, O God,
    when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
    indeed, the deep trembled.
¹⁷ The clouds poured out water;
    the skies gave forth thunder;
    your arrows flashed on every side.
¹⁸ The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
    your lightnings lighted up the world;
    the earth trembled and shook.
¹⁹ Your way was through the sea,
    your path through the great waters;
    yet your footprints were unseen.
²⁰ You led your people like a flock
    by the hand of Moses and Aaron."

God's way leads through the sea. Just like when the Israelites crossed the red sea. We have lightening and we have thunder crashing all around us and our worlds might be shaking and the water is trembling and there is a path ahead that looks scary. There is water being held at bay on both sides and were crazy if we take this path, because it means trusting that whatever force holds those waters back wont let them crash down on you when you are in the heart of that river valley. It means trusting that that thunder and that lightening wont touch you. That path is not an easy one. But its where we live life. Its where God builds us. If we cannot live in the river valley then we cannot live on the shore. If I cannot live on the side of that step then I cannot live on the top. The fighting and the miserable is where I test my faith, its where I fall back to what I know and have practiced. In battle you revert to your training. And I cant wait for the battle to be over but in the mean time I have to trust Gods unseen footprints through the heart of the scary, and the difficult, and the frustrating.

Im convinced after years of mountains and valley's, and tops of the step and sides of the step, that where God created us to live is on the side. The high places are meant for inspiration and everything else is meant to make us into something, and not just anything , but to turn our character into everything He is. So Im living on the side, and Im looking forward to the top, but until then Im trusting that in the thunder , lightening, and waters on every side , that God is leading me just like He led Moses and Aaron. 

A Little Piece Of My Heart

Well, its just like I predicted.... Thailand has stolen a little piece of my heart.

To be honest this experience has come close to one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my life. Living at the Changed Life Centre has been lonely sometimes. Its tough not knowing the language and not being able to communicate with the people around you. Its hard to live with 7 other people, and not just live with them but they are also the only people around you for 3 entire months who you can communicate with without a great deal of effort. Thailand has been really hard. However, Thailand has changed me. I remember writing in my first blog that this trip would bring me "a passionate new purpose." and in a lot of ways that didnt come as I had originally expected. It came through challenges rather than blessings, but thats just another thing I have learned. That God will use whichever paths he chooses to grow you and stretch you, and even if its difficult the most important thing is that it is not wasted. That you allow God to work through the things that you least expect.

This week I am saying goodbye to Thailand. Im saying goodbye to people and places that I didnt even expect I would need to say goodbye to. Today we went to a place that we have gone to at almost twice a week since coming to Thailand for the final time, Pae's Coffee Shop. The young lady who owns and runs it is Pae. She is so so sweet, however she doesnt speak english. We communicate with this lady as much as we can but it has been limited. However even with this limited communication I feel like we have developed a sort of relationship, even friendship. Today when I was saying goodbye to her I suddenly became a shade of desperate. I needed to share the gospel with this lady who is so lost in false beliefs and I didnt cause I didnt know how. I didnt have the tool of speech to share the good news with my friend and that broke my heart a little, it also brought me some awareness. How many coffee shops in Abbotsford do I drop by at least once a week? and those owners and workers speak english. Am I sharing the gospel with them? Cause even though their false beliefs are different than Pae's false beliefs, they are still false and they still need to hear about Jesus. Today, once again, God gave me a fresh purpose to move forward with: Be a missionary in Abbotsford.

To get to Chaing Khong we go down this windy beautiful road the runs along the Mekong. My favourite time in Thailand is right before the sun sets and my favourite mode of transportation is being on the back of the Song Theow. Tonight was the perfect blend of all three things and I realized that despite how challenging it has been for me up here. I love it. I have fallen in love with the people and the scenery and even the weather. I love the food and the flowers and the Mekong and I will miss this place dearly. Thailand has taken a small piece of my heart, and I am ok with it, because I will always remember this place, and who knows, maybe one day God will even bring me back here, but whether he does or does not I will remember the lessons I learned here and the people I met and I will pray for this place that has a little piece of my heart.

Thank you for your prayers, they have been felt. Only 4 more days till I board a plane for home! I will see you all soon!

This is Pae in her shop! 

The ride home tonight, one of the last ones! 

Our Mekong!