A Turning Point

Today I found out that I have been accepted into the 2012 Winter TREK program!!! I am elated! I truly cannot believe this is happening while at the same time I never expected anything different. Today I was in Vespers singin my heart out and it just hit me, and I have known this all along, but something different hit tonight, where I saw my entire life in a new light. Everything, everything that has happened thus far has brought me to this point. To a turning point.

I was singing tonight and I closed my eyes. I saw myself, like in a movie, a whole bunch of flashbacks of my life. Important moments and important people, all leading up to me standing on the edge of something. It was all in fast forward going really quickly, and then it came to a dead stop on this picture of me now. It was like a stop for a deep , cleansing, self aware breath of air. I stood there for a second just taking a deep breath, and I could see myself about to take a step and I couldn't see into what, it seemed like a cloud almost... and then I stepped and I opened my eyes, and I realized that today was a turning point in my life, something was set in motion that is going to alter my life completely and that is both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. God has been leading me to this point my whole life.

Staring right at the beginning, Bill and Barb. They first showed me what it meant to put my faith into action. Bible studies at their house, talks with Barb after church, summers spent at camp (with all the amazing camp/Tab people like Sharla and Sean and many others) . They built me into a leader all the while instructing me on how to devote my life to Jesus. Bill and his prophesies over my life... the things that God told me through him.

Eric and Syb. I would even know where to begin with them. Eric , right from when he first started coming to camp. Showing me (and us) a whole new way of living out our faith while still having fun. Bringing music into our lives in a whole new way for the first time ever. Syb... oh boy, the way that God has used Syb in my life. An incredible mentor to walk me through some of the hardest, shame filled years of my life. A constant reminder of Gods grace and tenderness. Someone who always held me accountable and always showed me love. Syb taught and showed me what it was like to have the characteristics of a godly woman. As I grew older Syb became less of a mentor (though she still mentored me) and more of a friend. Someone who I could share my joy and my pain with. Someone who always encouraged me and always called me out. Someone who pushed me to pursue godliness. Someone who I knew, without a doubt in my mind, was always praying for me. Syb was the one who encouraged me to come to CBC. She was the one who showed me that I could do anything through Christ who strengthened me. What a gift Eric and Syb have been. Opening their home to me since I was in highschool. I always knew I had a place to go, I always knew I had someone to call.

My family. My parents, who always showed me and taught me what godliness looks like. Their generosity is a trade mark. I have NEVER met any other people in this world who have been as generous as my parents, never counting the cost, always giving of whatever resources they had and have. My dad teaching me how to work hard and how to value the things in life. My mom teaching me how to love in capacities that I only hope to achieve someday. My siblings, each one of them unique, building into me in different ways. Matt, always light hearted and cheerful. Des always generous and accepting, inspiring me to dream even when I just wanted to be a hair dresser. Ariel, showing me how to be care free and loving despite how anyone treats you. Deb , she taught me how to stand up for myself and she showed me courage and willpower that only hope to accomplish someday, and strive for daily. Erin... Erin has seen me at my worst, more than anyone else I think, and she loves me despite that. Erin showed and shows me what it looks like to be tenderhearted and kind. Where I am brass and harsh Erin is gentle and tender. Erin showed me the beauty of art and Joy in Christ. She always pushed me to follow my heart yet always grounded me in the level headedness that I somehow lacked. Erins always pushing me in my faith, always challenging me on what it looks like to follow God.

Donika and Hannah. These two. Man , they have built into me in ways that litterally cannot discribe. Hannah, always being a friend I could cry too, always listening to my crap, always calling me out on things. Hannah is the picture of wisdom that I so often lacked. She has always loved me and she has always pushed me to be the best that I could. When I would forget about my determination Hannah would remind me. When I would forget about Gods goodness and graciousness in my life, Hannah would and still does remind me. Hannah is a gift from God. Donika. Ha, Donika is a descriptive term in herself. Donika reenacts what it looks like to follow Jesus with your entire being, not just half heartedly but entirely. Donika is wise and kind like no one I have ever met before. Donika has truly loved me unreservedly. She has always pushed me to pursue knowledge, and from that knowledge she has pushed me into action. Donika has built into me in such a unique and special way. These two ladies have blessed me beyond words and I would not be at this point without them.

All these people and events added on; Bills death, breakups, moving to Abbotsford, working at both of my camps, going to CBC, being blessed with the unit I lived with... all these things have brought me to here. to this point, and I know there is no going back, and I would never want to. Bill prophesied for me once a very long time ago and he said something about God giving me more than I could ever ask or imagine... and its happeneing. I am truly overwhelmed at what God has done for me. Every person and event both good and bad in my life has brought me and moulded me into this person... which I have always known, I mean, obviously, your past shapes you. But tonight I saw it all in a new light and I could do nothing but fall to my knees and praise a God who surpasses ever feeble hope or wish I could ever have for my life. He takes all my crap and all my short comings and he takes my pitiful strivings and has given me "infinitely more than I could ask or imagine" and I know this isnt the end. My hunger for the Lord is only going deeper and getting stronger and I dont ever want that to stop. Today was a turning point. We sang a song at Vespers "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back" and it rings so true. I have decided to follow Jesus and I will not count the cost, I have and am still abandoning my life to Jesus and there is no turning back from this. I dont ever want to. This turning point is going to change me, it is going to be stretching and scary and it will probably even be really painful at times. It is going to take a lot of trust and it will take intentionality on my part, but there is no turning back from this point.

Living in the Tension

The last 3 weeks I have been thinking about the tension…  What does this mean? How do I even explain this?

It started a while ago actually, probably during this summer. I joke about it with my profs and even my sister, saying “I have become quiet the charismatic” but the truth is, I have just begun to live in this tension. What is happening that I am realizing my thinking , and therefore also, my actions are turning into something that I am not entirely used too. The Spirit is working in my life and that is something that scares me, something I usually try to shut out… that’s why it is unusual. 

I have found that I am spending more and more time striving for something and never reaching it. I have been confused and even a little discouraged. All I want is to model and devote my life to Jesus, that is literally all I want in my life. If I had to choose people, or friends, or a career, or God… I would always choose God. He Is my number one and godliness is what I am striving for, that is what my goal is. But pure godliness and perfection and making my life a complete model of Jesus’ is not possible. I will always strive for it yet , I know, perfection is not attainable. The Spirit is showing me my flaws and I am convicted to change. The closer I get to my heavenly Father the more I am aware of my imperfections and  short comings. The more I am aware of this the more I am aware of my unworthiness. My utter, complete, and total inadequacy. The more that I become aware of that, the more I revel in what Christ has done for me. He chose me. He chose me and he saved me. My God saved me and is saving me everyday and I deserve nothing but his righteous anger and his holy wrath and instead I am doused in his grace and love and tenderness.

I was talking to a friend the other day, someone who I respect and who loves the Lord whole heartedly, someone who, in my eyes, very obviously has salvation. My friend looked me in the eye and said “I am not sure, nor will I ever be sure of my salvation. On judgment day I could stand before my Father and he could say ‘depart from me, I never knew you’” He actually truly could not tell me that he was sure of his salvation. This shook me a little. I argued with him. “well of course we can be sure, of course we can. We believe in Jesus Christ and we devote our lives to follow him, this guarantees our salvation.” We carried on like this for a while and though I wouldn’t say I agree or disagree with him I would say that living in that mind set is exactly what I have been experiencing these last few months. The mind set of “I am so unworthy and God is so supreme and he could and should deny me but he doesn’t” It’s a tension I realized. Of being unworthy and knowing it, yet accepting this gift… and as I live in this tension my heart literally cries out from in me, “less of me and more of you, stomp out who I am and fill it with everything you are”. Living in this tension, it holds me accountable, it convicts me and moves me, yet it overwhelms me and comforts me. I can hardly stand and sing praises to my God because I should be prostrating my self, face to the ground,  before his holy name. I do not deserve to utter even his name, yet he graces me with his love!!! I do not understand this wonder and I marvel at and in it! And I live… I live in this beautiful tension of knowing what I really deserve, nothing, and receiving more than I could ever ask for. My God is incredible and beautiful and majestic and I want to live like this forever!