My Boat Right Now

Well,

I miss it, I miss everything about it. I was always the pessimist; I always told people that distance always makes friendships fade. I always believed that. And then people told me that wasn’t how it always went, that I was being a pessimist and that if you invested enough in a friendship and continued to do so long distance, they wouldn’t fade. I flippen believed them! And I was right the whole time, because Im watching more than one friendship slowly fade out right in front of me. And I am investing all I have to invest, and its not working. Its hard, and I knew it would change. It just sometimes hits me worse than others I guess.

Im thinking of coming back… actually, I am coming back if I can find a place to live. Im accepted to the University of Fraser Valley and the only thing standing between me and coming home is living. If I can find a room to rent I will be moving back. And Im SO excited, except, I think that’s why the friendship thing is so hard. Im worried because of this fade that happened in so many areas, that now going back might be weird, like “ya we said bye, so why are you back here?” sorta thing. Then on the other hand, I know it will be fine, I know it will work out one way or the other because it always does. I just over think everything and over analyze everything. Life is so crazy sometimes. But at least I can hold to one thing. God is always sovereign. This storm is tough, but I know my boats not sinkin', Im never in over my head and I know (eventually) I will make it out the other side stronger… someday ha, hope that’s coming soon cause this flippen boat is really leaky. 

home?

I thought it would be hard coming home, it isnt. What is hard, no, what makes my heart ache and my throat hurt , is not being there. Its not like home is hard, I just miss Abby so much. Its been just over a week and I still havent gotten through this shock of being home. I miss my other home. I miss Hannah, and running across the stupid hill separating our apartments at night when I needed to cry and I miss always having something to do on a weekday cause I knew Bob was always up for something, even if it was just chill. I have beautiful friends here, I thought that would make me miss my beautiful friends there less, but it doesnt. Just makes my heart feel all torn up between two amazing things. Oh but God is so constant, when my heart aches I can literally feel him holding me together. My heart aches yeah, but not for a second have I doubted Gods faithfulness. At first I thought I shouldn't be hurt about coming home cause that would mean I was somehow acting like God wasnt around, but I feel like God has given me permission to almost grieve what Im loosing, and rather than feeling far away, he pulls me close every time my heart breaks and cries with me till the storm passes. My God is amazing. He is so good and just the fact that I am hurting because I am torn between to beautiful places gives fact to that. I got to experience the most extraordinary thing ever, and that chapter of my life wasnt forced closed, no one stole it from me, I wasnt running from anyone. I let it close, all peaceful like. The chapter ended well. Thats more than a lot of people can say about the things they experience. I am more than blessed. Micheal Szuk taught us that principle, more than - Qal wa homer. Yes, I am more than blessed and yes, right beside that my heart is still breaking. I know in a world that has so many bigger issues going on this seems insignificant, but if I cross your mind, shoot a prayer up for me , I could use it.