I want to fall in love! I feel like I might explode with it! and no this is no petty, earthly love. This is a deep rooted, thriving, pursuing, gentle, encompassing love. I want to fall in love with my Saviour. I hunger for more and more intimacy. I do not want stagnancy nor stability, I do not want something predictable and easy. I want Gods thriving, unexpected, earth shaking, stomach quivering love. Something that is uncontainable, and perhaps something that even scares me. This love I yearn for is pulsing with forgiveness, and grace and trust. Total trust. I want to move to the heart beat of my Lord. I hunger for more and more and I dont want this desire to ever go away. I couldnt handle all that God would be able to pour out for me yet I want to move more and more into his will and align what I want more and more with what He says I have been created for. So "I want to fall in love with you!" (Jars of Clay) so much that it would be undeniable in the way that I act and the words that I say.
"Lord I want more of you, living water rain down on me. Lord I need more of you, living breath of life come fill me up. We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you, we are thirsty oh Jesus, we are thirsty for more of you" (Jesus Culture)
This has been a theme song for me this summer - a cry from my inner most being. I dont always meet my standard, in fact, I fail at more than I succeed. I thirst and hunger for more of Christ yet I deny him in the things I say or do. I strive to mould my life after my Creators yet I fall short time and time again but isnt it beautiful how God renews our passion and covers all with his grace!? " I will not be silent, I will not be quiet any more!" (Jesus Culture) Its like I cant contain what God is stirring up in my soul. I want the whole world to know that Jesus restores and saves and rejuvenates! I challenge you, whoever you might be, to proclaim Gods love. Make your hearts desire to follow in Jesus's will in you life. Loosen your death grip on what you should have given to our gentle Father long ago. Let our faithful Lord take what you know the Spirit has convicted you to give up for Him. What areas of your life are you letting be ruled by the world, search your hearts and pour out to the Father! You will be blown away and blessed and overwhelmed by what God will give you! He promises infinitely more than we can ask or imagine!! guys whatever we might think would be amazing, or whatever dreams we may have... His are INFINITELY MORE than that!! can you even grasp that?!? I cant, but just trying too excites me and brings me to my knees in worship to this God that I want to fall more and more in love with!! I dont know who even reads this but whoever you are I hope that you read this and are instilled with a new passion and a deep yearning within yourself to join me in wanting to fall in love!! Be blessed!
Monday 24 September 2012
Monday 17 September 2012
He Who Sustains Me
It has been far to long since I told you about the way that God has been working in my heart, yet now as I finally sit to write I find myself in a place of discouragement. Even in this though, I know my God is working.
Ill start with summer. This summer was the most... unexpected roller coaster summer I have ever had. I came into the summer (specifically working at camp) trying my hardest to have no expectations and to keep an open mind. I have never worked at this camp before and I had only a brief overview of what my job description was. I somehow managed to pull it off - I came in and was assigned my job and I was very excited. I now knew what to expect and what my summer might look like. However, what I was prepped to expect was not what I encountered. This made my summer (the first 10 days especially) difficult in ways I dont think I could even explain rationally. Those first weeks were some of the hardest I have ever expereinced. I found people were expecting things of me and I didnt know how to meet those expecations. I was in an atmosphere where people didnt know who I was, they didnt know how I have always been at camp , they didnt know that at my camp last year I won "the most team spirit award." In their eyes I was the new girl whom they knew nothing about. Which is 100%, entirely normal and expected. It was just hard because in a camp environment I had never been that person. I have always been someone who people knew. I found I had to show people who I was, let them see my personality which might sound like an easy task but I struggled. The program I was working with was quite separate from the regular camp schedule and I didnt get to know a lot of people. If you know me you know that this was hard on me. The most amazing thing though, was that the girls (and guys) (the CITs) I worked with were amazing! They kept me going and getting to know them and their stories helped me keep my head above water. God was so present and he was working so visibly in their lives. But where Christ is working in big ways the devil is there lurking for any sign of weakness. This summer I experienced spiritual warfare like I never have before. It was exhausting. But Christ, my wonderful Saviour, oh He sustained me. I cannot begin to tell you the ways, physically, emotionally, and spritially. I was sustained- and not even that, I was growing! I was experiencing hard ship and turmoil but Christ in his profound grace continually grounded me and reminded me that he was my source. When I kept going when I knew I couldn't continue anymore, that was God, I know because there is no possible way I could have poured out the way I did this summer unless God was filling the gap between where I fell short and where he wanted to work. It was amazing to see, a miracle before my eyes.
Now I am here. I have begun my studies at secular university and its something else. I am in "Nursing Program Studies" which means that I am taking classes towards being a nurse but I have not yet been accepted into the Nursing program. UFVs nursing program is extremely competitive so this semester is vital to my career. It will determine whether or not I get into the program or whether I will have to re take some courses for the third time. I am taking Chem, Bio, Math and then for credits, Spanish, Philosophy of Worship, and Church and Mission, totalling 18 credits. This is the semester from hell. I hit so many speed bumps with registration that I had to take some credits from CBC rather then UFV. Again, the Lord sustains me, if it weren't for those two classes this semester I would be without a community. Those classes connect me with the CBC community again and at this point in my life I need community immensely. I live with Erin in the most beautiful basement suite that God provided for us. We have no money and we have no resources yet we make it by, every week. The Lord provides people. I cant even tell you the ways that he has been providing for my sister and I.
Yet I am discouraged? I feel anxious and antsy... I dont know what to write because I dont know what is bothering me. I guess I want to see what God has planned for me. In my heart over the last 2 years I feel like God has been building up more and more of a heart for mission in me. This excites and terrifies me. I sat in class the other day and we had a missionary come in and speak to us, I sat with silent tears running down my cheeks because I felt like he was hitting nerves in my soul. Everything he said built up more and more desire in my heart to go and serve the Lord overseas... and every struggle he shared is what I already battle within myself. He talked about leaving your family and the people you love. How it doesnt ever get easier but you do it anyways because thats where God calls you to be, and my heart already begins to break because I cant fathom being so far away for so long. Yet I feel Gods constant tugging within my heart to be willing to leave, to give up every safe "north american" dream that I have to follow him. And he asks me "are you willing Becca?" and again, I answer yes, because I would rather die then not follow him. I feel like I am always asked the same question, God knows my heart better then I do. He knows what I love most, he knows that I love my family more then anything in the world and it is in this that he asks me to be willing to give them up "where do your idols lie Becca? Is there anything that would not be willing to give up for me?" and again, with my heart breaking I answer that no, I would give everything to follow him, and again he sustains me. He fills up my soul with joy even when I feel like there is no joy to be had.
This is such a confusing place to be in because I know now more then I ever have how sure I am of God. I trust him wholly and completely and I know I am more grounded then I have ever been. But Satan uses my weaknesses against me and I become discouraged and I enter into a wasteland of the soul. I was reading "come away my beloved"(Frances J Roberts) in this and I read "If there is dryness within your soul and you do not have [this] life flowing forth, you need not grieve or chide yourself for being empty. Fill up the empty places with praise. Through praise you may open to Me the gates to your souls temple" would you be surprised if I said that yet again Christ sustains me. When I feel as I do now, I open my heart and pour out praise and adoration and again I am filled. I am sustained. Even as I write though I realized that "being sustained" doesn't necessarily mean being happy go lucky, or abounding in joy, but it means coming to a realization of groundedness, of knowing who is in control and who is orchestrating my life and of realizing that I can trust unreservedly in the Almighty. To me, that is what being sustained looks like.
So as I close this blog this time around I feel lighter, I feel sustained...not relieved of all of my problems or heart aches but I leave trusting in the One who makes all things work together for good and for his glory. Praise be to Yahweh.
Ill start with summer. This summer was the most... unexpected roller coaster summer I have ever had. I came into the summer (specifically working at camp) trying my hardest to have no expectations and to keep an open mind. I have never worked at this camp before and I had only a brief overview of what my job description was. I somehow managed to pull it off - I came in and was assigned my job and I was very excited. I now knew what to expect and what my summer might look like. However, what I was prepped to expect was not what I encountered. This made my summer (the first 10 days especially) difficult in ways I dont think I could even explain rationally. Those first weeks were some of the hardest I have ever expereinced. I found people were expecting things of me and I didnt know how to meet those expecations. I was in an atmosphere where people didnt know who I was, they didnt know how I have always been at camp , they didnt know that at my camp last year I won "the most team spirit award." In their eyes I was the new girl whom they knew nothing about. Which is 100%, entirely normal and expected. It was just hard because in a camp environment I had never been that person. I have always been someone who people knew. I found I had to show people who I was, let them see my personality which might sound like an easy task but I struggled. The program I was working with was quite separate from the regular camp schedule and I didnt get to know a lot of people. If you know me you know that this was hard on me. The most amazing thing though, was that the girls (and guys) (the CITs) I worked with were amazing! They kept me going and getting to know them and their stories helped me keep my head above water. God was so present and he was working so visibly in their lives. But where Christ is working in big ways the devil is there lurking for any sign of weakness. This summer I experienced spiritual warfare like I never have before. It was exhausting. But Christ, my wonderful Saviour, oh He sustained me. I cannot begin to tell you the ways, physically, emotionally, and spritially. I was sustained- and not even that, I was growing! I was experiencing hard ship and turmoil but Christ in his profound grace continually grounded me and reminded me that he was my source. When I kept going when I knew I couldn't continue anymore, that was God, I know because there is no possible way I could have poured out the way I did this summer unless God was filling the gap between where I fell short and where he wanted to work. It was amazing to see, a miracle before my eyes.
Now I am here. I have begun my studies at secular university and its something else. I am in "Nursing Program Studies" which means that I am taking classes towards being a nurse but I have not yet been accepted into the Nursing program. UFVs nursing program is extremely competitive so this semester is vital to my career. It will determine whether or not I get into the program or whether I will have to re take some courses for the third time. I am taking Chem, Bio, Math and then for credits, Spanish, Philosophy of Worship, and Church and Mission, totalling 18 credits. This is the semester from hell. I hit so many speed bumps with registration that I had to take some credits from CBC rather then UFV. Again, the Lord sustains me, if it weren't for those two classes this semester I would be without a community. Those classes connect me with the CBC community again and at this point in my life I need community immensely. I live with Erin in the most beautiful basement suite that God provided for us. We have no money and we have no resources yet we make it by, every week. The Lord provides people. I cant even tell you the ways that he has been providing for my sister and I.
Yet I am discouraged? I feel anxious and antsy... I dont know what to write because I dont know what is bothering me. I guess I want to see what God has planned for me. In my heart over the last 2 years I feel like God has been building up more and more of a heart for mission in me. This excites and terrifies me. I sat in class the other day and we had a missionary come in and speak to us, I sat with silent tears running down my cheeks because I felt like he was hitting nerves in my soul. Everything he said built up more and more desire in my heart to go and serve the Lord overseas... and every struggle he shared is what I already battle within myself. He talked about leaving your family and the people you love. How it doesnt ever get easier but you do it anyways because thats where God calls you to be, and my heart already begins to break because I cant fathom being so far away for so long. Yet I feel Gods constant tugging within my heart to be willing to leave, to give up every safe "north american" dream that I have to follow him. And he asks me "are you willing Becca?" and again, I answer yes, because I would rather die then not follow him. I feel like I am always asked the same question, God knows my heart better then I do. He knows what I love most, he knows that I love my family more then anything in the world and it is in this that he asks me to be willing to give them up "where do your idols lie Becca? Is there anything that would not be willing to give up for me?" and again, with my heart breaking I answer that no, I would give everything to follow him, and again he sustains me. He fills up my soul with joy even when I feel like there is no joy to be had.
This is such a confusing place to be in because I know now more then I ever have how sure I am of God. I trust him wholly and completely and I know I am more grounded then I have ever been. But Satan uses my weaknesses against me and I become discouraged and I enter into a wasteland of the soul. I was reading "come away my beloved"(Frances J Roberts) in this and I read "If there is dryness within your soul and you do not have [this] life flowing forth, you need not grieve or chide yourself for being empty. Fill up the empty places with praise. Through praise you may open to Me the gates to your souls temple" would you be surprised if I said that yet again Christ sustains me. When I feel as I do now, I open my heart and pour out praise and adoration and again I am filled. I am sustained. Even as I write though I realized that "being sustained" doesn't necessarily mean being happy go lucky, or abounding in joy, but it means coming to a realization of groundedness, of knowing who is in control and who is orchestrating my life and of realizing that I can trust unreservedly in the Almighty. To me, that is what being sustained looks like.
So as I close this blog this time around I feel lighter, I feel sustained...not relieved of all of my problems or heart aches but I leave trusting in the One who makes all things work together for good and for his glory. Praise be to Yahweh.
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