I wanna fall in love!!

I want to fall in love! I feel like I might explode with it! and no this is no petty, earthly love. This is a deep rooted, thriving, pursuing, gentle, encompassing love. I want to fall in love with my Saviour. I hunger for more and more intimacy. I do not want stagnancy nor stability, I do not want something predictable and easy. I want Gods thriving, unexpected, earth shaking, stomach quivering love. Something that is uncontainable, and perhaps something that even scares me. This love I yearn for is pulsing with forgiveness, and grace and trust. Total trust. I want to move to the heart beat of my Lord. I hunger for more and more and I dont want this desire to ever go away. I couldnt handle all that God would be able to pour out for me yet I want to move more and more into his will and align what I want more and more with what He says I have been created for. So  "I want to fall in love with you!" (Jars of Clay) so much that it would be undeniable in the way that I act and the words that I say.

"Lord I want more of you, living water rain down on me. Lord I need more of you, living breath of life come fill me up. We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you, we are thirsty oh Jesus, we are thirsty for more of you" (Jesus Culture)

This has been a theme song for me this summer - a cry from my inner most being. I dont always meet my standard, in fact, I fail at more than I succeed. I thirst and hunger for more of Christ yet I deny him in the things I say or do. I strive to mould my life after my Creators yet I fall short time and time again but isnt it beautiful how God renews our passion and covers all with his grace!? " I will not be silent, I will not be quiet any more!" (Jesus Culture) Its like I cant contain what God is stirring up in my soul. I want the whole world to know that Jesus restores and saves and rejuvenates! I challenge you, whoever you might be, to proclaim Gods love. Make your hearts desire to follow in Jesus's will in you life. Loosen your death grip on what you should have given to our gentle Father long ago. Let our faithful Lord take what you know the Spirit has convicted you to give up for Him. What areas of your life are you letting be ruled by the world, search your hearts and pour out to the Father! You will be blown away and blessed and overwhelmed by what God will give you! He promises infinitely more than we can ask or imagine!! guys whatever we might think would be amazing, or whatever dreams we may have... His are INFINITELY MORE than that!! can you even grasp that?!? I cant, but just trying too excites me and brings me to my knees in worship to this God that I want to fall more and more in love with!! I dont know who even reads this but whoever you are I hope that you read this and are instilled with a new passion and a deep yearning within yourself to join me in wanting to fall in love!! Be blessed!

He Who Sustains Me

It has been far to long since I told you about the way that God has been working in my heart, yet now as I finally sit to write I find myself in a place of discouragement. Even in this though, I know my God is working.

Ill start with summer. This summer was the most... unexpected roller coaster summer I have ever had. I came into the summer (specifically working at camp) trying my hardest to have no expectations and to keep an open mind. I have never worked at this camp before and I had only a brief overview of what my job description was. I somehow managed to pull it off - I came in and was assigned my job and I was very excited. I now knew what to expect and what my summer might look like. However, what I was prepped to expect was not what I encountered. This made my summer (the first 10 days especially) difficult in ways I dont think I could even explain rationally. Those first weeks were some of the hardest I have ever expereinced. I found people were expecting things of me and I didnt know how to meet those expecations. I was in an atmosphere where people didnt know who I was, they didnt know how I have always been at camp , they didnt know that at my camp last year I won "the most team spirit award." In their eyes I was the new girl whom they knew nothing about. Which is 100%, entirely normal and expected. It was just hard because in a camp environment I had never been that person. I have always been someone who people knew. I found I had to show people who I was, let them see my personality which might sound like an easy task but I struggled. The program I was working with was quite separate from the regular camp schedule and I didnt get to know a lot of people. If you know me you know that this was hard on me. The most amazing thing though, was that the girls (and guys) (the CITs)  I worked with were amazing! They kept me going and getting to know them and their stories helped me keep my head above water. God was so present and he was working so visibly in their lives. But where Christ is working in big ways the devil is there lurking for any sign of weakness. This summer I experienced spiritual warfare like I never have before. It was exhausting. But Christ, my wonderful Saviour, oh He sustained me. I cannot begin to tell you the ways, physically, emotionally, and spritially. I was sustained- and not even that, I was growing! I was experiencing hard ship and turmoil but Christ in his profound grace continually grounded me and reminded me that he was my source. When I kept going when I knew I couldn't continue anymore, that was God, I know because there is no possible way I could have poured out the way I did this summer unless God was filling the gap between where I fell short and where he wanted to work. It was amazing to see, a miracle before my eyes.

Now I am here. I have begun my studies at secular university and its something else. I am in "Nursing Program Studies" which means that I am taking classes towards being a nurse but I have not yet been accepted into the Nursing program. UFVs nursing program is extremely competitive so this semester is vital to my career. It will determine whether or not I get into the program or whether I will have to re take some courses for the third time. I am taking Chem, Bio, Math and then for credits, Spanish, Philosophy of Worship, and Church and Mission, totalling 18 credits. This is the semester from hell. I hit so many speed bumps with registration that I had to take some credits from CBC rather then UFV. Again, the Lord sustains me, if it weren't for those two classes this semester I would be without a community. Those classes connect me with the CBC community again and at this point in my life I need community immensely. I live with Erin in the most beautiful basement suite that God provided for us. We have no money and we have no resources yet we make it by, every week. The Lord provides people. I cant even tell you the ways that he has been providing for my sister and I.

Yet I am discouraged? I feel anxious and antsy... I dont know what to write because I dont know what is bothering me. I guess I want to see what God has planned for me. In my heart over the last 2 years I feel like God has been building up more and more of a heart for mission in me. This excites and terrifies me. I sat in class the other day and we had a missionary come in and speak to us, I sat with silent tears running down my cheeks because I felt like he was hitting nerves in my soul. Everything he said built up more and more desire in my heart to go and serve the Lord overseas... and every struggle he shared is what I already battle within myself. He talked about leaving your family and the people you love. How it doesnt ever get easier but you do it anyways because thats where God calls you to be, and my heart already begins to break because I cant fathom being so far away for so long. Yet I feel Gods constant tugging within my heart to be willing to leave, to give up every safe "north american" dream that I have to follow him. And he asks me "are  you willing Becca?" and again, I answer yes, because I would rather die then not follow him. I feel like I am always asked the same question, God knows my heart better then I do. He knows what I love most, he knows that I love my family more then anything in the world and it is in this that he asks me to be willing to give them up "where do your idols lie Becca? Is there anything that would not be willing to give up for me?" and again, with my heart breaking I answer that no, I would give everything to follow him, and again he sustains me. He fills up my soul with joy even when I feel like there is no joy to be had.

This is such a confusing place to be in because I know now more then I ever have how sure I am of God. I trust him wholly and completely and I know I am more grounded then I have ever been. But Satan uses my weaknesses against me and I become discouraged and I enter into a wasteland of the soul. I was reading "come away my beloved"(Frances J Roberts) in this and I read "If there is dryness within your soul and you do not have [this] life flowing forth, you need not grieve or chide yourself for being empty. Fill up the empty places with praise. Through praise you may open to Me the gates to your souls temple" would you be surprised if I said that yet again Christ sustains me. When I feel as I do now, I open my heart and pour out praise and adoration and again I am filled. I am sustained. Even as I write though I realized that "being sustained" doesn't necessarily mean being happy go lucky, or abounding in joy, but it means coming to a realization of groundedness, of knowing who is in control and who is orchestrating my life and of realizing that I can trust unreservedly in the Almighty. To me, that is what being sustained looks like.

So as I close this blog this time around I feel lighter, I feel sustained...not relieved of all of my problems or heart aches but I leave trusting in the One who makes all things work together for good and for his glory. Praise be to Yahweh.

the little things

Well, I guess its about time. Its been a while and there have been so many times I thought! That’s sweet , I gotta blog about that then I never do. But whatev’s here I am now. Ill start at the beginning

            So, some friends of ours got married and Chloe was their flower girl and let me tell you, that already beautiful looked absolutely gorgeous!  We were at the reception and it was probably 11:30 pm… not a lot was going on, I mean the usual, a bit of drinking, a lot of dancing, and Chloe comes to me SO upset, crying and sad. If you know me you know Im a sucker for that angel child. I asked her what was wrong and she goes “auntie Bec I lost me earring!” just so heart broken lol. All I wanted to do was fix it. her sweet little eyes just looked so sad. So here I went- on a hunt in a dark room of 300 tipsy/dancing people. Well, I started at the dance floor, no such luck. I know its silly, like really silly, but I was desperate and I wanted to fix Chloes little broken heart so I asked God to help me find it… ha ridiculous really, but I looked up, across the dance floor and there under a table was a tiny little glint – her earring.  I know its tiny but it just made me marvel. Such a big, big God and there are so many other things in the world… I don’t know I guess God just really reminded me how much he cares, even about those little, insignificant details. It made Chloe’s night, but mostly it just blew my mind. I cant believe what an incredible God we serve he is just so intimately close, and I think sometimes we miss it… or something I dunno. God likes to help with those little details I think. Sometimes we mutter up these little half hearted prayers without thinking that God will answer them. We limit him in his greatness I think – saying “he has bigger things to deal with” but we are still his children and thinking from a human perspective, wouldn’t we want to help our kids with everything, even those little things??

            Well that was a while ago anyways, a lot has happened since then. Quite significantly I moved back to Abby. Crazy- the last time I packed my bags and left Abbotsford I didn’t think I would ever be going back… but I got back to Lethbridge and I just missed it. I love Lethbridge, I LOVE being around my family and the kids, I am getting all teary eyed and homesick just thinking about it and I am still on the plane leaving Lethbridge. But something just felt right about going back. Honestly… I like the weather there. I like the scenery. I like the ocean. And living an hour from Vancouver and 10 min from the border. I dunno it came down to those things. I wish I could move all my family out there and then I would be set. That would be perfect! Anyways God has just been good in all of this! He has provided me with a place to live, I got accepted into Uni, starting Nursing Program studies in the fall. Its exciting. Life is just beginning.

            I have so much more to say, but I just don’t have time. Hopefully soon! Tootles guys! 

My Boat Right Now

Well,

I miss it, I miss everything about it. I was always the pessimist; I always told people that distance always makes friendships fade. I always believed that. And then people told me that wasn’t how it always went, that I was being a pessimist and that if you invested enough in a friendship and continued to do so long distance, they wouldn’t fade. I flippen believed them! And I was right the whole time, because Im watching more than one friendship slowly fade out right in front of me. And I am investing all I have to invest, and its not working. Its hard, and I knew it would change. It just sometimes hits me worse than others I guess.

Im thinking of coming back… actually, I am coming back if I can find a place to live. Im accepted to the University of Fraser Valley and the only thing standing between me and coming home is living. If I can find a room to rent I will be moving back. And Im SO excited, except, I think that’s why the friendship thing is so hard. Im worried because of this fade that happened in so many areas, that now going back might be weird, like “ya we said bye, so why are you back here?” sorta thing. Then on the other hand, I know it will be fine, I know it will work out one way or the other because it always does. I just over think everything and over analyze everything. Life is so crazy sometimes. But at least I can hold to one thing. God is always sovereign. This storm is tough, but I know my boats not sinkin', Im never in over my head and I know (eventually) I will make it out the other side stronger… someday ha, hope that’s coming soon cause this flippen boat is really leaky. 

home?

I thought it would be hard coming home, it isnt. What is hard, no, what makes my heart ache and my throat hurt , is not being there. Its not like home is hard, I just miss Abby so much. Its been just over a week and I still havent gotten through this shock of being home. I miss my other home. I miss Hannah, and running across the stupid hill separating our apartments at night when I needed to cry and I miss always having something to do on a weekday cause I knew Bob was always up for something, even if it was just chill. I have beautiful friends here, I thought that would make me miss my beautiful friends there less, but it doesnt. Just makes my heart feel all torn up between two amazing things. Oh but God is so constant, when my heart aches I can literally feel him holding me together. My heart aches yeah, but not for a second have I doubted Gods faithfulness. At first I thought I shouldn't be hurt about coming home cause that would mean I was somehow acting like God wasnt around, but I feel like God has given me permission to almost grieve what Im loosing, and rather than feeling far away, he pulls me close every time my heart breaks and cries with me till the storm passes. My God is amazing. He is so good and just the fact that I am hurting because I am torn between to beautiful places gives fact to that. I got to experience the most extraordinary thing ever, and that chapter of my life wasnt forced closed, no one stole it from me, I wasnt running from anyone. I let it close, all peaceful like. The chapter ended well. Thats more than a lot of people can say about the things they experience. I am more than blessed. Micheal Szuk taught us that principle, more than - Qal wa homer. Yes, I am more than blessed and yes, right beside that my heart is still breaking. I know in a world that has so many bigger issues going on this seems insignificant, but if I cross your mind, shoot a prayer up for me , I could use it.

Walk on With Me

Walk on With Me
"Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, for I delight in it." Psalm 119:35

"My Child, the path of duty is before you. It may look rugged, but it is the only way of divine blessing. Choose some other way, and you shall find only disappointment and frustration of soul. Weariness shall overtake you on the smoothest road, if it is not the pathway of My ordained will. Be not deceived by doubts and be not detained by fears. Move into the centre of My purpose for you. You shall find glorious victories are waiting for you, and recompenses far exceeding every sacrifice.
Be obedient: You will bring joy to My heart. Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit.
Walk on with me. I will be very near to give you support and encouragement, so you have nothing to warrant your fears. they will vanish as you obey."
               ~ Come Away My Beloved (Frances J. Roberts)

I guess there is nothing else to say, this is what God gave me. So,  duty is before me and it doesn't look easy, but He has called me to it and I know that if i try any other way I will only fall into disappointment and heart ache. His purpose for me holds 'glorious victories' and recompenses for all the sacrifices I feel like I have had to make. Me following his will brings my Father joy, and nothing else should matter, not people or situations or locations. He will be near me, even when I feel afraid and discouraged. Every step I take towards the Father I take away from my fears, doubts, and shortcomings. Even leaving this school, this community and this life altering place, I guess it just doesnt matter. No matter where I go, I go with the Lord and that will always be my comfort.

So...


♫ Heres a toast to those who hear me all too well... Heres to the nights we felt alive, heres to the tears you knew you'd cry, heres to goodbye , tomorrow's gonna come too soon.  ♫
           ~ Eve 6 

What I'll Miss and What I Want

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Ive been meaning to write for so long but I just have so much that I want to say and I feel like there is never enough time… Well here it is anyways, from the begining. My heart laid out bare again. 

This is what I’ll miss:

The Punjabi ladies who thread my eye brows for 4 dollars every other week. Jays pizza. Cinnamon buns fresh on Tuesday mornings in the café.Weekend trips to the city. Day trips to the states. Pork that tasts like chicken from the café. Waiting in line for food. Cherry blossoms in the spring. Campus tours on work days. Running in the rain. Independent foods where I do groceries. Vespers. Chapel. Midnight mcdonads runs with my roommates. Late night talks about boys. Late night talks about grace. Shirly Esau and her encouragment. Bakerview and the home Ive found at that church. The shower in my apartment.New testement theology every Tuesday and Thursday morning with Micheal Szuk. Being challenged daily by the scholars around me. The library at night. Ron Penners mustache. The lounge where you always find people making out on the top floor. The dorms. The echo in the circle. Volley ball. The overwhelmingly beautiful community. Donika. Lindy. Liz. Hannah. Erin Martins. Micheal Szuk. Not being in bed before midnight, ever. The green everywhere. The rec room at night. Watching the crazy questies from Donikas dorm window. Sumas coffee shop. Fishtrap lake. Ethos with Bob. The marks I make in my bible in class. Never paying attention with Bryan in A-Psych. The apartment. Our mantel. Our furniture. How there is always 8 people at our house, at least. The weekend get togethers with everyone. Always having someone to sit with in the café. The commuter lounge. Delving into scripture every single day in class. No class Fridays. Breaking café rules. Grey's with Nataizya on thursday nights. Pranking at midnight. Late night cow petting trips. Dancing in the apartment. The girl’s wardrobe. Lindy’s absurd crafts. Liz’s absurd comments. Working at the greenhouse. Hannahs amazing and God given gift of encouragement. Painting in Vespers. Friday night lights. After thoughts cheese cake and italian sodas. My wall of pictures. The way Liz pins her rent money to my wall. The people, oh how I will miss the people. The way God is transforming me and growing me here.

Since Christmas I have been trying to prepare myself for this. For leaving this place I love. but nothing can prepare me for this. I am so excited to start the next chapter of my life. I honestly cant wait. But I don’t know how to deal with leaving. It actually tears my heart apart and the thought of leaving sometimes actually leaves me incapacitated. Oh what a place CBC hold in my heart. I am SO blessed. I am so incredibly, abundantly blessed to have spent the time I did here. Oh what a wonderful God that he brought me here.

Lately I have been thinking about grace… if you have ever spent time mulling over this you will know its not small feat. I am overwhelmed. On a daily basis. A few weekends again our school hosted the mens pac west national volleyball championships. The girls on the volleyball team were paired off and assigned to ‘host’ teams that were coming in to compete. I was paired with a lovely girl on the team and we hosted a team of boys from the red deer college. In preparation for the hosting I was praying and thinking about the amazing opportunity myself and the school had to show all these people coming in from all over Canada a different type of person. People who cared and are kind expecting nothing in return. For myself I wanted these teams to be able to look at me and say “now there is something different, that girls has something special” I wanted to share God without having to ever say a word… I failed. I failed so bad, I had such an opportunity and though the weekend was good in the last moment I let God down in a big way. I never did anything overly ‘wrong’ or absurd, I just ended up in a situation where I could have shared and glorified and instead I denied. I felt like Peter. More than once, God asked through people, “do you love me? Will you serve me? Will you be different?” and I wasn’t. by far the worst part about all of this was that… I didn’t care. I had fun being of this word and I knew I would want to do it again and “how could (can) I accept grace and repent with that mind set?!”  I was talking to God about it… he , he told me his grace was enough. What is that? How do I even accept that? I couldn’t. I didn’t think I could just take it. “I am to human” I thought I know ill screw up again so how can I repent and accept this grace when I know I will have to again next time I fail miserably? I thought and thought. I refused this grace. The following day I ended up at a church I don’t normally go to. I sat for about 5 minutes before deciding I would leave, I was bored. On my way out I saw younger lady sitting at a prayer table. I asked her if we could talk. I didn’t (don’t) even know her name but she spoke truth into my life. She talked about grace and how sometimes accepting it is an act of obedience rather than an emotion. She said sometimes we have to accept the grace and from that our hearts will change rather than having our heart change and through that accept Gods grace. I guess it seems simpler now but a few weeks ago that radically changed my thinking. Sometimes the action has to precede the feeling. Bill always used to say you cant steer a stopped car. I guess it took a step of faith, step out first then from that change will spur. Well here I am. Almost a month later and I am trying. Oh I am trying so hard, but nothing I could ever do will be enough. Nothing I do will help me to deserve this grace and I don’t understand that and I cant process that. I just want to do well. I just want to be what God deserves. “but I am of flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate.” (Romans 6:15) I feel like a slave. I cant free myself from this and I know Jesus did that. I cant lift myself out of my own pit, I know that Jesus does that but I feel like I keep wandering back to that pit and it scares me because I am here, I am at Columbia. I am at this beautifully, wonderfully, gorgeous place where I am constantly encouraged and uplifted and immersed in the wisdom of scholars whom have been blessed with great insight by God himself…. And I still.fall.short. This is what I want, I want more, I want more of God in me. I want to be overwhelmed and unsettled and dumbfounded by Christ. He is undeniable, I already know that, but I want to not be able to see anything but him. I want him to seep into every thought and action and feeling. I want to breath him and speak him and act him. I want him to use me and change me and transform me. I want to be just like Jesus. I want to serve and pour out and exhaust myself for him. I am so tierd of the shallow ways of the world and of being exhausted for the things I love and do. I want to pour out and overflow him and not myself. That is what I want.