Times

My Brilliant Hermenutics and Theology professor talks about shoulder taps, things that you hear, see, or even smell that are God relating something to you. Today I had a shoulder tap.

God Said   ♫  My love is over its underneath, its inside, its in between. The times you doubt me, and when you cant feel. The times that question, 'is this for real?' The times you're broken , the times that you mend. The times you hate me and the times that you bend. Well My love is over, its underneath, its inside its in between. These times your healing and when your heart breaks, the times when you feel like you've fallen from grace. The times you're hurting, the times that you heal. The times you go hungry and attempted to steal. In times of confusion and chaos and pain, Im there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. Im there through your heart ache, Im there through the storm, My love I will keep you, by My power alone. I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been. Ill never forsake you. My love never ends. It never ends.♫

I dont even know what to say, I don't even know how to comprehend this. The times when I doubt...and I do, I have, and I know I will. I doubt.
When I cant feel. When everything in my world is crashing down around my feet and I cant think or function... or feel. He is there those times. The times when I questioned, "is this for real?" the times I have screamed this at Gods face! "Why? Are you kidding me! God, Why!" When the church split. When Nathan and Sharon left. When Bill died. When my friends hurt. When the world hurts. When I was hurting and God didnt answer. "why?"
The times that Im broken. the times that I mend, that hurts just as much as being broken.
The times I've hated God. When I have abandoned hope and ignored my Maker, when I have left the only arms that know how to hold me without breaking me. When I have told God to his face how angry I was at him. Even then, even then his love remained
The times I've bent. When God said "it will cost you everything Becca" and I went. When he said "would you even give up your family for me?"and I said yes. When he said "would you go back to Lethbridge for me?" and I said yes. when he said "would you trust that I have something better for you" and I did. through that all, He was there. He is here.
The times Im healing. When I have to open up old wounds and deal with them. When I have to face my hurt and deal with it, work through it. He is here.
The times my heart broke. Through every heart break, every relationship - both with friends and boys. He was there, he held me together when I started falling apart.
When feel like Ive fallen from grace. When I have failed more times then I can count. When every. single. time. I make the same stupid mistakes. When I try to do it on my own. When I try to do it by leaning on other people. When I am at the end of my rope. When I have fell again and again, when I have felt beyond hope, or restoration, or redemption. When I have felt beyond Grace. He was there, He held out his arms and his grace to me in unconditional ways.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain. Welcome to my life right now. Im leaving, My heart is divided, my thought are going crazy. "can I do nursing? will I fail? Will I meet new people? Will I remember the old ones? Will these friendships become a thing of the past? how will I live like I should without this support? How will I manage to do it right there if I keep messing up here?" All through these times, his love remains, over and underneath. it consumes me.
The times when I am being crushed by my shame. What have I done? I cant go back, I cant change anything. It literally suffocates me. and my God, my wonderful God steps in and lifts it, he lets me breath again. He again and again reassures me that He is far to big for things like my shame. He reminds me of his Love.
"my love I will keep you, by my power alone" through all these times... Nothing else could keep me, nothing. He can though. No other power can forgive and love and pour out grace like this one. No other power could draw me back again and again. He alone can.

My God is a powerful and mighty, and good God and He has carried me through every time.

What I heard

wow. I feel overwhelmed. I'm still processing all I heard, but what I heard was amazing. I heard 3 things. This is what I heard.
1)  Gods goal is to sanctify those who are his own
   --> sanctification equals transformation. Its not just an outward transformation, its transformation of the heart. It is being transformed into the character of God
   --> Ephesians 5:25-27: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that he might present the church to himself in splendour,without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish"
     -- so here is the thing, God is looking for his bride! He looks down and he sees all the people, the beautiful ones that are prepared and shiny and clean and waiting... He should pick from them, He should make them His bride, but He doesn't. why? I dont get it. God looks past them, He sees the messy, the dirty, the broken the weak, the ugly smeared in filth and grime and he picks them up and He looks at them and He sees nothing of himself! Nothing! In the bearer of His very own image Christ sees nothing that looks like him. So He sets us down and starts transforming us into something that looks more like him. like His image. He cuts our nails, that hurts. He brushes out our tangled hair, ow. He wipes the sand and dirt of our faces, that leaves us exposed and vulnerable. It hurts all of this hurts. Sanctification hurts, it is a breaking of ourselves. But here is the thing, He is doing this so we can be presentable to Christ!! We, US, we're to be His bride!
2) God uses confrontation with those who are his own 
   --> In the story of Jacob and Rachel and Leah (Gen 29:15-30) Jacob is decieved. He has just run, literally run from his brother who was trying to kill him because Jacob deceived him! And here Jacob is deceived. He has worked and slaved and in the end he has been utterly and totally deceived. This hurts. Jacob hurts, he feels. Feeling hurts but it means transformation.
   --> In 2 Timothy 3:16-17 it says  "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,that the man of God may be complete,equipped for every good work." 
     - - this means that when we read the bible we should feel rebuff, we should feel correction. I am not the image bearer of Christ right now in my life, when I come to scripture, the authority of it should ruin me, taking away all my pretences leaving me with nothing but Christ. It should. In Romans 8:29 it says "those he forknew he predestined"! He predestined us to look like Him, and we dont. We don't look anything like him. Jesus it tough, all through the New testament Jesus is more tough then tender to his disciples and the people he was teaching. He is tough because he looked at them... He looks at me, and he doesn't see himself, He doesn't see his image. So he sets us down and starts transforming us to his image  and that hurts.Member? sanctification hurts.  
3) If you are a child of God your suffering is purposeful 
  --> There is a purpose!! our suffering , like I have been getting at the whole time, has a purpose!! God is moulding and transforming! His purpose is to sanctify us and **whether we are clay or Iron we. will. be. moulded!!!! we just need to hold on and see the purpose. God is sanctifying us to be his bride! He is sanctifying me... 


** Hebrews 12:7-11: "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."


Here is the crunch people God is tearing Idols out of my hands! He is turing over tax tables in my heart! He is taking away everything that I may have SO much more! *there is only one way* We cannot be transformed any other way. To quote the verse above, God says, "for the moment" people... it hurts "for the moment" friends....its painful "For the moment" Becca...you.will.hurt. "For the moment" it will be excruciating. "but later" ahhh "later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." There is a purpose people, and the painful part will not go on forever. We are being sanctified, we are to be Christ's bride, we are image bearers! This is gunna hurt, "but later" it will worth it.


That is what I heard. 

My friend Donika...

My friend Donika is amazing. She is caring and gentle and most of all she loves the Lord, not just half way, or a little bit, but with her whole entire heart! She is wise beyond her years and she is a loyal, kind, and dependable friend. Today yet again I was blown away by Donika's Christ like character. What a gorgeous day it was today, the sun was shining and it was warm and comfortable outside. Donny and I went for a walk at the lake. We were driving back from our walk when she noticed a man struggling to walk upright on the side walk. She asked if I could pull over or if we could give the man a ride. As I pulled over she jumped out and asked if we could help him. He was delighted, his eyes just sparkled at this rare, kind gesture. As he got into the car he introduced himself as Mike. Mike was chatty :) he quickly began talking about his life, and what he did now a days, he struggled to speak and apologized often when his speech became hard to understand "dentures" he smiled and said "they are a bit loose." Mike didn't live far from where we needed to go. He spoke openly about his life and mistakes, he was a sweet old man with a good heart. We arrived at his house and as he started getting out of my car. I wanted to say something, to offer him something kind, or try to give him some hopeful parting words. I came up empty. I never have the right words to say. But Donika, well Donika didnt have to think twice, as soon as Mike got out of the car she said "hey Mike? do you want our phone numbers? to call if you ever need a ride or something?" I never would have thought of that :) but sweet Donika naturally did. We gave Mike our numbers and he said "Aw you girls are just so sweet, if any boys ever give you trouble you just call me, and if you're ever stuck for finances" he said "you just call me" sweet man. Just so kind. After that Donika yet again didnt think twice as she asked Mike if we could pray with him. Mike was delighted and we (mostly Donika ;) ) got a chance to pray with him. I dont know why but it just blew my mind. I dont know if Mike thought we were crazy or if our short encounter had any lasting impact or effect but I'd like to think that Donikas kindness showed him something special about God, that it gave Mike a glimpse of our amazing, big, loving, and encompassing God.  Donny went out of her way for someone. She wasnt ashamed or afraid like so many of us are so often, she did exactly what Jesus would have done if he would have been in that situation. She didnt worry about her schedule, she didnt worry about being embarrassed, she didnt worry about getting turned down for praying with Mike. She just did it, she didnt think about it or worry about it, she just stood up for the Lord. My friend Donika. I am proud to know her and I am blessed to have a friend the loves the Lord as much as she does. My friend Donika is loyal and kind and sweet, and virtuous. How blessed I am to know my friend Donika

January 21, 2012

Hey everyone,

Its been a while. I am finally settling into a pattern out here since being back from christmas. Compared to last semester my schedule is pretty much completely empty... normal people could organize this no problem but because I am used to booking 8 million things into my week every week I honestly am having trouble settling into a schedule. Hopefully this week will be better. I am taking Bio30 and Math correspondence so that means I need to slot it into my schedule and I need to get better at that. Its hard to be motivated for a class when you never actually have to go to class.

Other than that things have been good. I have been in, I guess you could call, a "contemplative state." Since coming back  I have just being thinking a lot! I am not saying that to be a ditzy blonde I have just been contemplating absolutely everything. I have been at CBC for 3 semesters now, it has radically and drastically changed my life, and now its coming to an end.  I don't feel ready for this too end, and quite honestly I am happy here and I don't want it too. but it is. I guess I have just been thinking about everything I have learned here, both in classes and out. I have learned wisdom and theology, and grace and faithfulness more than I have ever learnt it before. I have been overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and love and friendship like I have NEVER experienced it before. I have failed miserably and had heart ache, and doubted and abandoned hope. I have experienced more than I can even put into words at CBC and with the people here and the thought of all this ending breaks my heart. I guess I just think about how much I have experienced here and I think I took it for granted. I didn't make every second count all the time, I invested in one person for a whole year when I could have been investing in a ton of people and the school and building strong relationships! I guess I just feel like I wasted last year in a way. This first fall semester was amazing! I developed such strong relationships with some people that had been only acquaintances before and it has been fabulous!! I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am just not ready to say goodbye. All this investing in people, all this fun and laughter.... and now I feel like I will leave and just have a bunch of really good memories. There are some people here who I know I will keep in contact with and stay close with and thank goodness... I know I have made friends for life here. But it changes. we will never have the relationships we have now back again. It will never again be like it is now. Im not saying thats bad, its just different and its change and sometimes... most times (lets be honest) change scares me.

Along with all these things I have been contemplating I have also been literally overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and blessedness (if thats even a word) I know that people always joke about how I always say "I am just so blessed" but I am!! I cant believe I came here, I cant believe I made it to Columbia and learned and made all these friends who like me just the way I am! I cant believe that I accomplished almost 2 years of post secondary! I am so, so , so blessed. What an opportunity I have had and am still in. I just want to make every second count in the next 3 months! I love this place and I am so thankful that God allowed me to come and prepared the way for me. What an amazing God that He would look out for me!

Even more from the mind of Becca :) I have just been so excited about whats next! Somedays I feel sick from this roller coaster I am on! One minute I am so heart broken that I am leaving in 3 months and the next I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, and the next I am giddy with excitement about starting Nursing and being around my family and friends in Lethy again (even tho usually that thought is accompanied by a little greif at leaving... its unavoidable) , and even about what I will do this summer. I can do anything! I can work at a camp , I can travel, I can stay in Abby. I guess I just have lots of options for the summer and thats exciting! All these things... I just sometimes dont even know where to start processing it all. I guess my biggest thing is just realizing it is what it is. There is no use getting sad about leaving here and there is no use dreading Lethy when thats where I will be. I am going there so I might as well get right pumped up about it.

I am finally finding myself at a place of contentment. This is something new for me. I know its ridiculous but I have always been in relationships. Since I was 15 its pretty much been steady, I have always been discontent alone but this semester God has really just brought me to a place of beautiful contentment. Not just relationally (as in not being in one) but also just with who I am and what I will do with my life and even little things like money and things that bother me at school or my apartment. Last semester was tough, I felt like I was face down in the mud, at the bottom of my rope the whole semester. I just felt like I couldnt get up and I made many mistakes, I shook my fist at God and cursed Him to His face, in a way I gave up on people and for a bit I tried to even give up on God, but isn't our saviour good! He didnt give up on me. Not once, the whole semester I could feel Him pulling me back to Him and I had to fight with all of my strength to stay away from Him. It was exhausting really and when I finally collapsed in his love and grace I realized there was/is no place in the entire universe I would rather be than in the arms of my loving Saviour. And thats how I have felt since then ( I remember the moment when it all came crashing down last semester and man was it freeing) but since then , God has just overwhelmed me with SUCH contentment!! I am so happy just to dwell with him, to be blessed by the people around me and to absorb the wisdom the profs are teaching and to be amazed at the beauty of His creation all around. I am so blessed. God has also (through my experience last semester, and even now) been showing me that He is my God and He only. This , more often than not, hurts. I am finally content but that doesnt mean its all rainbows and easy. Its still hard, it still hurts. When God corrects me or asks me to give something up for him. When He asks me to prioritize my life, putting him even above even  my family whom I love most in this world. Ya that hurts, and its difficult, but last semester I experienced the alternative... running. And it was terrible and exhausting and I not once had peace. And now, through every trial and heart ache and difficulty, I still have a reason to to proclaim Christ. Nothing can take that away from me and in every one of my circumstances and mistakes and heart aches I will declare Christ as my amazing and unfathomable Saviour. That is why I can be content, because He alone is my God.

January 1, 2012!!

Its 2012!! prepare for the end!!! ;) lol who knows what could happen :D

Hey people! I hope your new years celebrations were fantastic... mine were, bellow average , but who cares even. There is to much hype about new years! I am blessed and happy to be alive, I have wonderful family and friends and next year instead of trying to make a big deal outa new years Im going to stay with my family!

Anyways the reason I am doing a quick little blog is because I still dont know what to do in the summer and following semester at school. The plan is to start nursing, but I just dont know if I should do it in Abbotsford or in Lethbridge... I love Abbotsford, its my home now, but I love Lethbridge, and its always been my home!! GAH! I just dont know!  I want to go where God wants me to go but sometimes its hard for me to figure out what that is. I dont even know if I will get into either the Lethbridge college or UFV in Abby but I guess those are my options. I just dont know. I honestly dont, I know it seems trivial to pray about this insignificant thing in our big world of problems but if your praying for me this is really somewhere where I need guidance because I just dont know :( I hate not knowing. Thanks guys. Ill try to keep you updated on what I'm doing.

Much love, I hope you are feeling blessed and rejuvenated as you head into 2012!

December 27

Its been a while...

So I am home for the holidays. Its so good to be back with friends and family... and free food lol, Ive been eating so much. Its great to have no responsibility, I dont have to pay for groceries or even worry about cleaning the house 8 times a day (well I help) but its different. Its nice, Im really sick the last few days and my mom takes care of me, thats another nice thing to living at home... your parents take care of you. love it.

Christmas was so good! We celebrated on Christmas Eve with the fam it was so fun, I love my family so much! Eric and Syb came later in the evening too :) I love when they come to family things cause it already feels like they are part of the family so having them there makes it complete. Ive also been hanging out with Megan lots and that has been so good, there are some friends that no matter what you know you will always be friends with. God is so good for bringing people like that into my life.

So I didnt get the job for the school... Im almost shocked cause I didn't expect not to get it, a last minute candidate came into play and they could commit to a longer time with admissions then I could so they got it. They said thats the only reason I didn't get the job. I was kinda crushed when I found out but it has been bitter sweet the whole time because though I really wanted it, it didnt pay a whole lot.... at all and it would have been a leap of faith as it would have left me with hardly any savings in the school year but I would have done it. Its ok though... now I am sorta looking for a job in Lethbridge this summer... I think, and I dont know, if Im back here for the summer I was thinking I might as well take my nursing here too. For some reason that thought depresses me, I just keep thinking about my Profs who I am friends with and all my friends in Abby and I am finally settling myself there and now I might up and leave? I dont know what to do, if any of you feel like praying it can be about this, just that I would see where God wants me in the next school year.

Anyways , its the Beusekom dinner tonight so I should go get ready. Much love! happy holidays everyone!!

December 6th

Well, its that time again. Ethical Reasoning, the last class…. WOOOHOO. So stoked for this to be done! Anyways, I missed blogging last week. It was a busy week, this one is too but I just have nothing better to do in this class. So Eric came to visit last weekend! It was so fantastic to have him here! We definitely played tourist all weekend! He surprised us on Thursday, we thought him and Tom were delayed because of snow and wouldn’t be here till Friday but low and behold Eric waltzed into my living room on Thursday night! So of course we took him to Wings to eat an amazing chocolate cookie and delightful wings. Then on Friday we showed him the campus (and I don’t think anyone else in the world would have enjoyed the tour more than Eric did) then we went to castle fun park and played all the arcade games and rode the go carts! It was a blast! For dinner we went to Lou’s and then after went hot tubing with every one at Uncle John and Auntie Audrey’s. It was a loaded day! Then next day we started early and went to the states. We went to Bellingham and did some shopping and played tourist there for a bit too, after we got home we watched a movie at Bob and Ryan’s. On Sunday morning we went to Baker view (the church Erin and I attend regularly) and then head into Van for the day. We went to the Vancouver aquarium for the whole afternoon and saw some sweet shows and fish and stuff (actually tho, so cool) and then went to this ADORABLE little market on Granville Island. I had never been there before either so it was really cool to go! After that we went to this service in Coquitlum at this church that I have recently been going too. It was really good! Ya, so all that to say it was a really busy weekend, it was so fantastic tho, we really did a bit of everything and I think Eric got to experience a little bit of every part of our world.

This week has been good, definitely playing catch up though, finals are around the corner and I am stressin’!! ha its ok tho, I just want to do well on my finals. I had a lunch meeting with Michael Szuk (the most brilliant and wise professor EVER!) and we were just talking about what I wanted to do after Columbia (LPN) and how I wasn’t really satisfied with the electives that were being offered or the course requirements that I had to take if I wanted to graduate this year… anyways by the end of the conversation I realized (with the help of Michael) that I really didn’t need to graduate from Columbia and that a diploma in Caregiving and Counseling would really not benefit me at all in nursing or in any thing else really. So though many of the courses are beneficial getting the actual diploma will do me no good. So I promptly went and dropped 5 courses and am now only enrolled in 2 J I have also spoken with UFV and the Abbotsford school district and I will be starting my upgrading (Bio and Math) already next semester! It all makes sense too me so I am so excited that I am starting to finally move towards my career! I am just praying I’m doing the right thing!

I had my Student Intern interview the other day… it went well. I think lol. So I hope to hear about that soon… if I get it that means I move to Abbotsford for the summer too- so I guess more of a permanent move, which is crazy! This is slowly becoming my home and it is bitter sweet for me! I know that for now this is where I am supposed to be, I love it here, I have an incredible community around me and I feel like there is just SO much opportunity for me here. At the same time though, I feel like I am moving further and further away from being a kid with no responsibility who can still go home to my parents and pretend to be a child J its scary for me, growing up, having all this responsibility, its exciting but it is 100% scary.

I go home in one week. I am so excited! I cant wait to see everyone and have a break from school, I have finally got my feet back under me again and I have finally found my motivation again so now I am excited to start fresh next semester. Take a break and then go strong! My heart like aches when I think about the kids! I cant wait to hold them and hangout with the family! I love my family so much, I have been so blessed by all of them that its actually ridiculous! My friends too, I cant wait to hangout with Syb… oh man I would be so lost without Syb (if your reading this Sybil just know that you are incredibly fantastic and I would be INCREDIBLY lost without you!) being here and meeting all these new people and developing all these new friendships is a blessing, its such a blessing. But all those relationships still don’t replace the incredible ones I have at home. I know that even though I am gone out here and we don’t hangout cause I am away that the people at home (Eric, Syb, Shar, Megan, etc) ALL of them are still some of my best friends and they have helped me through so much in my life!

I should get going but ya, I hope that you are all doing fantastic and thank you again for all your prayers and thoughts! Each of you is special to me and holds an incredibly dear place in my heart!