Living in the Tension

The last 3 weeks I have been thinking about the tension…  What does this mean? How do I even explain this?

It started a while ago actually, probably during this summer. I joke about it with my profs and even my sister, saying “I have become quiet the charismatic” but the truth is, I have just begun to live in this tension. What is happening that I am realizing my thinking , and therefore also, my actions are turning into something that I am not entirely used too. The Spirit is working in my life and that is something that scares me, something I usually try to shut out… that’s why it is unusual. 

I have found that I am spending more and more time striving for something and never reaching it. I have been confused and even a little discouraged. All I want is to model and devote my life to Jesus, that is literally all I want in my life. If I had to choose people, or friends, or a career, or God… I would always choose God. He Is my number one and godliness is what I am striving for, that is what my goal is. But pure godliness and perfection and making my life a complete model of Jesus’ is not possible. I will always strive for it yet , I know, perfection is not attainable. The Spirit is showing me my flaws and I am convicted to change. The closer I get to my heavenly Father the more I am aware of my imperfections and  short comings. The more I am aware of this the more I am aware of my unworthiness. My utter, complete, and total inadequacy. The more that I become aware of that, the more I revel in what Christ has done for me. He chose me. He chose me and he saved me. My God saved me and is saving me everyday and I deserve nothing but his righteous anger and his holy wrath and instead I am doused in his grace and love and tenderness.

I was talking to a friend the other day, someone who I respect and who loves the Lord whole heartedly, someone who, in my eyes, very obviously has salvation. My friend looked me in the eye and said “I am not sure, nor will I ever be sure of my salvation. On judgment day I could stand before my Father and he could say ‘depart from me, I never knew you’” He actually truly could not tell me that he was sure of his salvation. This shook me a little. I argued with him. “well of course we can be sure, of course we can. We believe in Jesus Christ and we devote our lives to follow him, this guarantees our salvation.” We carried on like this for a while and though I wouldn’t say I agree or disagree with him I would say that living in that mind set is exactly what I have been experiencing these last few months. The mind set of “I am so unworthy and God is so supreme and he could and should deny me but he doesn’t” It’s a tension I realized. Of being unworthy and knowing it, yet accepting this gift… and as I live in this tension my heart literally cries out from in me, “less of me and more of you, stomp out who I am and fill it with everything you are”. Living in this tension, it holds me accountable, it convicts me and moves me, yet it overwhelms me and comforts me. I can hardly stand and sing praises to my God because I should be prostrating my self, face to the ground,  before his holy name. I do not deserve to utter even his name, yet he graces me with his love!!! I do not understand this wonder and I marvel at and in it! And I live… I live in this beautiful tension of knowing what I really deserve, nothing, and receiving more than I could ever ask for. My God is incredible and beautiful and majestic and I want to live like this forever!